Small Offensive Victories

I finally did it. It's a small thing really. But huge. Really huge. Last night I rolled over and slept in the middle of the bed. Yup. No longer hugging the side I ventured out into the vast emptiness beside me...and it was good. Sooooo good. I woke up refreshed. Nothing ached. The bed no longer feels empty. It's just the right size for me and the occasional night time visit from a wee one and the cats, of course. I'm looking forward to bed as I write this. I can hardly wait for when I get around to switching over to flannel sheets...the sign that winter is approaching.

I fixed a drip in my bathtub. I'm not a wuss when it comes to home repair but plumbing has never been something I've dabbled in. Well, I figured out how to turn off the water and I opened the sucker up. All it needed was a washer replacement and voila! One other thing I can handle on my own thank you very much.

Today the kids had a dental appointment and S had an eye doctor appointment. We went out for lunch and did some school supply shopping as well. All in all a good and full day.

I'm very disappointed with the Canadian War Museum's decision to change its panal display describing the controversy surrounding the bombing campaign of the allied forces in Germany during World War II. Sigh. I guess historical facts don't matter as much as not offending folks.

Speaking of being non offensive, the ubiquitous 'support our troops' propaganda is getting to be a bit much. Seriously. I can't really think that there is anyone who does not 'support' the men and women who are risking their lives in our country's name. But. The question arises (well, it doesn't arise which is part of the problem) that the mode/method for this 'support' is never defined. What does 'support our troops' actually mean? Its hard to argue against such an innocuous statement but its also hard to stomach when one gets the feeling that this statement is both meaningless and chock full of meaning for those 'in the know.' The similarities to the 'choose life' campaign are great. Who wouldn't 'choose life'? Except...whose life. Under what circumstances...etc. etc. The biggest problem with pat sayings and social mantras is that one cannot dissect them and examine them and tease out from them meanings not readily apparent on the surface. To do that is to admit that one does not accept what is being said. One might, oh the horror, possibly cause offense. And to not accept it means that one is against it. If you're not with us, you're against us. And if you are one of 'them' and not one of 'us' you may as well take the train out of Dodge.

What a scary world to live in. And to think, we're the lucky ones who live in a democracy.

Click

It happened last Sunday. It was quick. Almost immediate. I stopped hurting. I don't know if it was something he said. Or did. Or was it me? I just stopped. A switch inside me clicked off. I haven't really trusted this new feeling. This feeling of peace. Of possibility. I saw my therapist. Funny how quickly I've taken ownership this being our second solo session. She said that what I was experiencing was not unheard of. She described it in terms of my having closed a door to my heart. According to her, the worst is now over. That's a blessing. I would not want to revisit these past few weeks. Brutal. Raw. I told her that I felt a bit guilty that my suffering didn't seem to match what I had lost. She explained that I had probably been grieving for quite a while but not really acknowledging my feelings as grief. Interesting. So now I'm moving forward. Getting things done. Trying not to be too impatient. I'm not in any hurry. There's time. My days are full. A routine is becoming established. I'm feeling stronger then I have felt in a long time.
'A' lost two teeth today so I get to meet the tooth fairy. I think I've solved my childcare dilemma. I'm looking forward to getting a bit of canning done on the weekend. I'm thinking of mixing peaches and pears. I'm coming back.

Title less

Saw some friends in unexpected places yesterday. Well timed. My baby sitter cancelled for today so I had her come in last night. Yes. I actually got out!! Here's my chinese horoscope for today:

August 16, 2007Small financial problems will disturb you and compel you to postpone your wild desires for spendings. Your religious and philosophical convictions will suddenly be strongly shaken; doubt will settle down in your mind; you'll be seized by a kind of metaphysical anguish which may last for some time. Perturbations in your affective life. You'll feel an almost pathological fear of losing the object of your love; this fear will give rise to crises of jealousy which will irritate your mate very much.

Interesting eh?

Now off to work and on my spare moments make more plans for Summer Party 2007!

And So It Begins

I got the phone bill today from my work cell. All my loving conversations with J while I was in Chicago. Only $150.

I received a message from J's mom that she is busy this week and can't babysit. She wishes me luck in finding one. I wanted the opportunity to actually go out with a friend of mine who is in town from Hong Kong.

You know. For all those nights when J went out and assumed I'd stay in. For all those times when I told J that I never understood how he couldn't 'get it' that even when he felt caged he had 100% more freedom to do what he wanted when he wanted to do it then I did. For all those times when he said 'hell, why should I come home when you'd be asleep anyway' not bothering to think that it might be nice to be woken up in order to reconnect. For all those times when J assumed that I'd take care of any possible crises on my own and through his absence he'd force me to shoulder the responsibilities. For all those mornings when I'd be the one waking up to take care of the kids cuz J was tired from the night before. For that time in our past when J was insecure about me and calling all the time and my reaction was to do my best to never ever put him through that again because I knew from personal experience how hard that was to take. For being called a cunt and a bitch and me excusing it because I 'knew' he didn't really mean it.

For all those times.

I'm beginning to feel a wee bit pissed off.

Time

When did I become that person? When did it become ok to make me wait? I'm not talking about time to heal or time to sort things out. I'm not even talking about things that 'happen' such as meeting so and so and losing track of time at the pub. I'm talking about waiting in a real sense. I'm talking about having to wait because someone else is late. And the real reason for their being late is that I have become a person, to them, not worthy of having my time respected. Even now, I do my damnedest to be where I've told people I will be. When someone tells me that they have told so and so that they would meet them at a specific time I will have to say 'go' even though my needs may not yet have been met. I do my best to respect other people and their time. When did I let this slide for me? When did I begin to accept that perhaps my time wasn't as valuable as theirs? Perhaps I should join a growing majority and say fuck it. My time is my own and if you choose not to show up, I'm outta here. But I'm not like that. And I can't just pick up and go. I need to depend on a babysitter...who may or may not show up on time. I think, however, that my time does deserve to be respected. And if you want me in your life, you'll need to show up at the right time.

Strange

Strange. I feel that I have been plucked out from the world I once new and have been placed in a maze. A maze with sharp corners and the occasional tender caress. A maze that is not only confusing and infuriating but strangely exciting as well. J is leaving for 2 months. I will be alone. But I have been alone. So what really will change? I want him to know how much the kids will miss him. I will miss him. But I have to stop trying to get him to be responsible. That has to come from himself.

Its Not a Poem

I miss you
More than I thought I would
And missing you feels different
More different than expected
My days haven't changed much
I carry on
I do what I do
But I'm conscious of an emptiness
A hole inside of me
I imagine that its dark
And moist
And hollow
The damp warmth is created out from unshed tears
Choked back
Swallowed
An attempt to fill the hole
Left behind when you left.

My Chinese Horoscope today -- Earth Rooster

August 8, 2007You must take energetic measures to stop a drain which may seriously unbalance your budget. There'll be risks of brutal rupture in many couples, be they under formation or already solidly formed; to prevent such an event, try to be understanding and tolerant. Your professional activities will seem to you outrageously routine, and you'll be seized by a strong desire to slam the door; try however to moderate your anger, for its consequences might be much more negative than they appear.


Damn! But ain't it accurate eh?

The Past Lives On

Today was remarkably normal. Got up. Got the kids ready. Went back to work. Caught up on stuff. Broke down only once. Actually went home at one point. I needed some papers that were in my briefcase. Papers from my Chicago trip. Going through that hurt. And then I recovered. I went to the councillor. Seems I'm actually doin' ok. Will not be going next week. Will see how it goes the week after. Got some advice. Was told that I was functioning very well. Surprisingly well. Came home. Played. Walked the neighbour's dog (am pseudo dog sitting). Made dinner. Leftovers. Ready to do it all again tomorrow. Got some new baby pictures from one of my staff. Wish I could be in that mindframe. My dad reminded me of my great aunt -- Ita. She was one of 3 from the village that my dad grew up in who returned from a Siberian labour camp. One of those that returned went mad and was put in an asylum. Another returned as a corpse. I met Ita when I was 10. I went to Finland and remember hugging her. She was strong. I also remember that she had my picture on her wall. My dad said that he saw a lot of her in me. Just the right thing to say at the right time. My dad is pretty special. So am I.

Traffic

I'm really starting to get the hang of these solo/solo with kids road trips. Went to Montreal yesterday and spent the night. Had one highway breakdown. No no...the car was fine. I just felt like I had been kicked in the stomach again and started to cry. No danger. I was in stop and start construction traffic.

Montreal was good. Cathartic. Allowed me a bit of mental space? It didn't stop me from calling him tho' ... fuck I wish I could stop. I have to stop. Just stop. Stop. And then move. On. Slowly.

I got back with the kids this afternoon and my dad showed up an hour later with his girlfriend and a 40 oz of scotch.

They just went up to bed. I'm tired. Should sleep well. My neck has been really hurting again.

I was wondering if this could be something to hope for. Although people around me are telling me to beware of the possibility that J might want to come back if he finds it too hard 'out there' I'm hoping for a different scenerio. You see, I want J to succeed. Climb the mountains he needs to climb. Get ahead. Get confident. Then come back and ask me if I would like to join him. Equally. In strength. I know I shouldn't even be caring anymore. But I do. I won't sit around pining. There really is too much to do. But, I will allow myself a little guilt free caring. After 10 years I should be allowed to still care. Wow...this is jumbled. I'm head spinning and foot numb tired.

Maybe I should be taking the here and now as one giant stop for construction. A pain in the arse for sure but, the roads will all be smoother when it's done.

G'nite

Paying the Piper

When I was in highschool, I had a part time job in a theatre. I had this so I could cover my personal spending. I hated asking my folks for money.

In university, I held down 5 part time jobs, had a full course load and held down an 'A' average.

I have always worked. I have always believed that you get what you put in. Although times were at times tight, I got through it.

Now, I find myself in the position of having to be dependent to a certain extent on a person who does not necessarily share my views on this matter.

When I got married, I got my first full time job. While working at the job, I continued working on my master's degree, I kept the house in order (ie. clean), did my best to keep up with laundry and did my best to find time to go out with 'J.'

Kids came and when I went back to work after 7 months, J stayed home. His choice. He wanted the kids to know their daddy. But, while he was at home and I was at work, I was the one who still did the majority of the housework, while keeping our family finances in order. This was made tougher because I was not only making up for his not working but making up for the months preceding where I was on parental leave -- only 55% of my salary -- and J wasn't bringing in a lot then either. He stayed home for a year and a half and the kids then went to daycare. He took a construction job that lasted for approx. 4 months. It wasn't a great job. He had to commute long distances. He was tired. I understood when he left that job. It wasn't the first time he left a job that no longer made him feel good.

I'm sensing a theme. When the councillor asked him why he didn't want to come home at night, ie. what would happen to him, he replied 'I would be made to not feel good about myself.'
Hmmmmm.

So it's not just me. Certain jobs made him feel this way too. Perhaps its the very notion of responsibility. Being responsible. But he was a husband and father. Two titles that for all intensive purposes basically mean 'being responsible.'

When my dad got married, he was offered several part time contracts as a carpenter and builder. He turned them down even though he loved doing that work and the money was good. He looked and found a full time job with a steady paycheque.
He said that it was his responsibility to look after the family. My mother cleaned houses and law offices. She even cleaned our guitar teacher's house in exchange for lessons. Our garden fed us veggies that lasted through the winter and spring. Although my parents eventually separated when I was in highschool, my memories of growing up are good. Solid. We worked together as a family. My dad said that occasionally after work he'd stop and have a beer but, he was always home within an hour. He and my mom went dancing every weekend.

J has always gotten upset when he is faced with not getting what he wants. While I was doing my damnedest to make sure our bills were paid and we had a bit left over for savings, he insisted on keeping a chunk for himself. My salary has been larger and I have therefore been paying the larger percentage of the bills. I did not mind that because as a married couple and family I believed that we had a common pot and were working together towards the same goal. I didn't believe I was 'owed' anymore.

J told me he believed he deserved more. He deserved to be able to go out with this friends/work colleagues. He deserved to be able to spend 'his' money on climbing gear.

Our marriage died, because he wasn't getting what he deserved and I didn't make him feel good about himself.

Hunh.

I showed him the figures yesterday of what I've been paying and what his share would be if we had an even close to being equal financial relationship. I showed him where, all things being equal, we were short every month and when we had a surplus, it was because I cut out things from my life. The figure floored him. He mentioned that he would have to work 32 hours a week to pay it and keep enough for himself. Well yes. It's almost like having a full time job.

I'm angry. I feel like I have worked my arse off for this family unit. I have done what I can financially. I have done what I can physically. I have done what I can emotionally.
And maybe I'd be less angry if I had felt that he had been really and honestly helping. Helping keeping costs down (ok, whenever I mentioned something the family could do he'd question whether or not we could afford it but if it came to going out with the boyz the money somehow was there eh?), helping with the housework (really it was like pulling teeth to get help and I would be made to feel bad and guilty just for asking), just plain ol' helping. Not making me feel like a jailer. The no fun zone queen.

Now I wonder if I should find a night shift job. Other single mom's do it. I can't bring myself to leaving the kids at home alone though. J mentioned, I'm sure in partial jest?, that welfare might be good for me because then I could spend my time writing.

I know that J will do what he can to support his kids. I'm not sure if his version of doing what he can will mean sacrificing his own wants. He admitted to me before time and time again that he came first. He was selfish. He was self absorbed.

I thought that we would both be able to work hard while enjoying our family. I thought we would be able to look back at the years spent together and one day be able to say 'hey, it was tough going for a while but we made it -- together.'

He wanted me to love him and accept him as he was and I did. I do. But I also wanted him to act and be grown up. To take responsibilty. Not only because it was the right thing to do. But because it was something he could take pride in. To actually make him feel better about himself.

But Tina Turner Had it Way Rougher

Well. Here I am. Single.
Hunh
Funny really.
I was doing the same things (pretty much) today as I usually do.
The ground didn't swallow me up.
I only felt a little like people could see my new and raw vulnerability. That I was a damaged good returned to vendor. Now placed on the discount shelf gathering dust.
How maudlin.
Took the kids to a beach today. There's a beach just down the road from where we live. A real beach. With sand. And lifeguards. And beautiful water (I'll assume it was tested and its bacteria count was low). Kids had fun. I had fun. I had wanted to go to this beach for the past couple years. I had always planned to go with J and the kids. Now that its just me...well...
I collected some of J's things today. I lost it for a bit when I found old valentine cards from J...all homemade. I have a few (at least) moments like these in my future I'm afraid.
Funny, looking back, that it was all a lie. I was living in a traditional loveless marriage. But that's not true either. There was love. There still is love.
I don't know what to do with his things. A big part of me wants to leave them where they are. They belong. They fit. Another part wants to just move on. Get it done. But...what's done? Why not just take some time to reflect? Do I have to make any decisions yet? Is it ok to wait?
I'll be seeing J tonight. He's looking forward to seeing the kids. I no longer have any allusions that he might want to be seeing me as well. I am, however, part of the package. We will be discussing stuff. The type of stuff that newly parted couples have to discuss. Kids. Finances. Things. Frankly, I'm not into any more drama. I cried enough in front of him. Sure there's the benefit that it makes him feel uncomfortable but geeesh. Enough already. My biggest challenge will be to not be too concerned over his welfare. Wondering how he'll get on. He's a big boy I know but ... why does it have to be messy? Why am I so confused still?
How does one turn off intimacy?

Council

Him: I don't love her anymore. did you ever? I have hated to come home for the past three years. and I liked being stuck at home? She is a control freak. are you ok with this hon? yes I am, you replied. She was suffocating me. was obviously using the wrong pillow. I didn't want to go out with her because I didn't like spending time with her. cuz I didn't act like a dude. Don't get me wrong...she's an amazing woman and great mother. ok...I agree with you here. I also give amazing head. The women in her family are crazy. check out the men they were with I don't usually drink that much. HA!!!!! She wouldn't let me alone. yup...always wanting more than 5 min. of attention per day. She kept control of all the finances. ummmm dude...do you blame me? Really? I tried to get him involved but ... It's all my fault though. i guess it could have been the water You see, I have been lying to her off and on for over 8 years. really? No wonder she didn't ever trust me completely. I never really wanted her to. ya I know he didn't say these things but really, he may as well have. I wouldn't talk to her about how I really felt. cuz that would be a grown up response. I had a brief affair during the summer I was on tour. I thought we had split up. When I visited Ottawa again, I realized we hadn't. ok...I thought that it was a one night stand and you realized you were wrong when you got to your flat and heard my message that night. I know there's a lie...once again, not sure where. I'm here to make sure she's okay. so he won't feel so guilty? I want to be her friend. really? what's changed. he hasn't really acted like a friend up to now. I love my job. this week My sister and I are getting closer. wasn't he ready to disown her last week? I miss the kids. this, I feel is true. I'm sorry. as am I

Me: Wahhhhhhhhhhhahhahahhhahhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa sniffle...snort...shake...occassional verbage

Post Session? Zee life...it does go on
And on
And on
and on

Happy Anniversary

Today is our wedding anniversary. Number 8. Gifts include pottery or bronze. Tomorrow is the first councilling session. I don't know what I am. I'm not single. I'm not married. I'm in a limbo land somewhere in between. I really do not have the words available to me to describe how much I miss him. Just knowing that he is there. His armpit. His crinkles. I ache. He didn't call yesterday. So be it. I have to let him be. Just be. I hope he's not focusing only on the bad. It makes it easier to leave if one does though. I've been trying to remember the good times. The best times. Last night I tried to come up with a list of my 5 best memories. In honour of us. Our life together so far.

1) After giving birth to our wonderful children, I woke up in the middle of the night to find him asleep beside me on the cot provided by the hospital. He looked exhausted but, funny enough, he looked content. We had both just been through a huge ordeal. We had succeeded together. Knowing that more ordeals were in our future. It was one of those moments that I felt we could get through anything.

2) One day he got it in his head to buy us a tent. A tent and a football. If ordered on line -- I think?-- a bonus fuzzy Canada flag hat came too. I was leary. Did we need a tent? A football? A fuzzy hat? The goods arrived. That night, he sat on the couch. Defending his decision. Defending his position. The football cradled in his arm. The hat on his head. It was beautiful.

3) Sometimes, when he kissed me, his hair would fall in a particular way taking my breath away. My god, I thought, and he loves ME.

4) One day, lying in the office of our old apartment, he was playing a computer game and I was lonely. I began whining in a squeaky voice: 'Gimme some lovin' ... Gimme some lovin' ... Listen to the ring of pow er' He finally broke up laughing and ran to me.

5) Although with work schedules and children it's been increasingly difficult to carve out time for each other (one of the biggest problems our relationship has I think) I remember one of those perfect days just before Christmas last year. We drove to Manotick and puttered through shops. He bought me a metal flower that stands in a rock. Watching him carry that rock and flower made me glow. We stopped at a cafe located in the middle of a parking lot and shared in some of the best pecan pie we had ever tasted. I was indescribably happy. We were together.

There are more good memories. Many more. There are also some bad ones but I don't want to dwell on those. Not today of all days. I love him.

Happy Anniversary J.