And So It Begins

I got the phone bill today from my work cell. All my loving conversations with J while I was in Chicago. Only $150.

I received a message from J's mom that she is busy this week and can't babysit. She wishes me luck in finding one. I wanted the opportunity to actually go out with a friend of mine who is in town from Hong Kong.

You know. For all those nights when J went out and assumed I'd stay in. For all those times when I told J that I never understood how he couldn't 'get it' that even when he felt caged he had 100% more freedom to do what he wanted when he wanted to do it then I did. For all those times when he said 'hell, why should I come home when you'd be asleep anyway' not bothering to think that it might be nice to be woken up in order to reconnect. For all those times when J assumed that I'd take care of any possible crises on my own and through his absence he'd force me to shoulder the responsibilities. For all those mornings when I'd be the one waking up to take care of the kids cuz J was tired from the night before. For that time in our past when J was insecure about me and calling all the time and my reaction was to do my best to never ever put him through that again because I knew from personal experience how hard that was to take. For being called a cunt and a bitch and me excusing it because I 'knew' he didn't really mean it.

For all those times.

I'm beginning to feel a wee bit pissed off.