Traffic

I'm really starting to get the hang of these solo/solo with kids road trips. Went to Montreal yesterday and spent the night. Had one highway breakdown. No no...the car was fine. I just felt like I had been kicked in the stomach again and started to cry. No danger. I was in stop and start construction traffic.

Montreal was good. Cathartic. Allowed me a bit of mental space? It didn't stop me from calling him tho' ... fuck I wish I could stop. I have to stop. Just stop. Stop. And then move. On. Slowly.

I got back with the kids this afternoon and my dad showed up an hour later with his girlfriend and a 40 oz of scotch.

They just went up to bed. I'm tired. Should sleep well. My neck has been really hurting again.

I was wondering if this could be something to hope for. Although people around me are telling me to beware of the possibility that J might want to come back if he finds it too hard 'out there' I'm hoping for a different scenerio. You see, I want J to succeed. Climb the mountains he needs to climb. Get ahead. Get confident. Then come back and ask me if I would like to join him. Equally. In strength. I know I shouldn't even be caring anymore. But I do. I won't sit around pining. There really is too much to do. But, I will allow myself a little guilt free caring. After 10 years I should be allowed to still care. Wow...this is jumbled. I'm head spinning and foot numb tired.

Maybe I should be taking the here and now as one giant stop for construction. A pain in the arse for sure but, the roads will all be smoother when it's done.

G'nite