Happy Anniversary

Today is our wedding anniversary. Number 8. Gifts include pottery or bronze. Tomorrow is the first councilling session. I don't know what I am. I'm not single. I'm not married. I'm in a limbo land somewhere in between. I really do not have the words available to me to describe how much I miss him. Just knowing that he is there. His armpit. His crinkles. I ache. He didn't call yesterday. So be it. I have to let him be. Just be. I hope he's not focusing only on the bad. It makes it easier to leave if one does though. I've been trying to remember the good times. The best times. Last night I tried to come up with a list of my 5 best memories. In honour of us. Our life together so far.

1) After giving birth to our wonderful children, I woke up in the middle of the night to find him asleep beside me on the cot provided by the hospital. He looked exhausted but, funny enough, he looked content. We had both just been through a huge ordeal. We had succeeded together. Knowing that more ordeals were in our future. It was one of those moments that I felt we could get through anything.

2) One day he got it in his head to buy us a tent. A tent and a football. If ordered on line -- I think?-- a bonus fuzzy Canada flag hat came too. I was leary. Did we need a tent? A football? A fuzzy hat? The goods arrived. That night, he sat on the couch. Defending his decision. Defending his position. The football cradled in his arm. The hat on his head. It was beautiful.

3) Sometimes, when he kissed me, his hair would fall in a particular way taking my breath away. My god, I thought, and he loves ME.

4) One day, lying in the office of our old apartment, he was playing a computer game and I was lonely. I began whining in a squeaky voice: 'Gimme some lovin' ... Gimme some lovin' ... Listen to the ring of pow er' He finally broke up laughing and ran to me.

5) Although with work schedules and children it's been increasingly difficult to carve out time for each other (one of the biggest problems our relationship has I think) I remember one of those perfect days just before Christmas last year. We drove to Manotick and puttered through shops. He bought me a metal flower that stands in a rock. Watching him carry that rock and flower made me glow. We stopped at a cafe located in the middle of a parking lot and shared in some of the best pecan pie we had ever tasted. I was indescribably happy. We were together.

There are more good memories. Many more. There are also some bad ones but I don't want to dwell on those. Not today of all days. I love him.

Happy Anniversary J.