In Trust

Why do people lie?

It is in my nature to trust folk. I don’t want to distrust folk. Even after being lied to time and time again I hold out that possibility that this time they are telling the truth. I assume that instead of lying there are instead misunderstandings. Miscommunications. (Please note that I am not referring to you…as far as I can tell, you have not lied to me and in this my gut agrees).

I try to trust myself and my gut instincts (some call it Ki). But when my gut activates my spidy senses I tend to feel that I am wrong. In the wrong. I tell myself that I must be wrong. And then, once again, I am put in the position of the goat. By not trusting myself I put myself in that position. I know this. Yet I want to trust in others before myself. Not hold anything back. But I need to protect myself and only I can do that. It’s a perverse game. A form of violence.

Yes, the saying goes ‘trust must be earned.’ Why? Why must trust be so fleeting. What many do day to day is, as far as I can see, based on trust. Deals are created and work when folk trust each other. You need, however, to add ‘carrots’ – a sort of ‘you can trust this person cuz if they back down they will lose $$ so therefore you are safe’ kind of thing. Trust is shored up. But that’s not real trust is it? Can trust really be bought and sold? Is it a commodity? The cynic in me states that ‘one can trust folk to act as they act in accordance with human nature.’ But shouldn’t it be human nature to desire harmony?

But then again, as I’ve already stated, I don’t trust myself. Perhaps that’s the first step. Trusting in myself. I've been called greedy. Yes. Greedy for a reflection that I could trust. Using that reflection as a form of self validation. I sincerely wish that I had come to this point sooner. Perhaps I wouldn’t have pushed some folk away. But then again, without having these folk as a mirror I am now forced to look inward. This is actually the hardest thing I have ever done. Going inside. Beyond the memories and the stories and the (re)creations. Facing and seeing myself. Warts and all. I need to allow myself to see through my own eyes.

Cuz Only You Would 'Get' This

My boss was chosen today for jury duty today -- Andrew Stevenson murder case -- meaning he'll be off for 6 to 8 weeks. I get two jobs now. Human resources doesn't think that this means I should have a raise at all as it falls under 'other duties as may be required' in my job description. At least there will be at least one sane and level headed juror.

The new electrical panel in the booth (same place as the old one) doesn't pass inspection cuz our sound board is in front of it. Against code (though it's been this way for over 15 years). I now have to shop for and purchase a small digital console 'in my spare time' at work and strip the fucking booth again. At least we'll go digital.

Had to fire a sound tech on Sunday. Did it gently...encouraged him to go out and learn his craft but that he wasn't 'there yet' in terms of working in our space. He cried. I did a show. At least this show went well.

Just ran out of propane for barbecue and can't go out cuz the meat man is scheduled to arrive between 5pm and 9pm so I'm nuking my chicken (too hot for a stove). At least I have chicken (and a good excuse to stay in).

The score for the piece that the bride to be for the wedding I'm playing at next month wants to walk down the aisle to is crap. Starts well but gets very chunky. I'll be rewriting sections. At least I have a bit more than a month to learn it.

What I miss most? Sending stuff like this to a person who I know 'gets it.'

What a Difference a Year Makes

So I ask myself. Have I been wasting my time this past year? The answer lies somewhere between and outside of 'yes' and 'no'. After Xman left I was crushed. Vulnerable. Insecure. Taking care of two wee ones day to day and finding the approach of each new day to be difficult to say the least. Last summer (around August) I met someone with whom I could talk about my feelings and as we chatted (primarily through email) I found myself thinking less about Xman and more about the possibilities of life. I started going out with this person for coffee. Then we began attending music events. To go out and be as an individual person--not a mom, soon to be divorcee etc.--was wonderful. I knew from the onset that this person I was hanging out with was not 'the one' yet I enjoyed the company. My feelings turned to love. Slowly. Tentatively. As I felt my ability to trust return I eagerly awaited the arrival of each new email in my inbox. It was not all good. His issues/wants/needs and my issues/wants/needs would clash. Mutual insecurities and past betrayals haunted us. I was helped by him though. And I was hurt by him. Differing views on what constituted friendship made the whole thing lopsided. I got to know him well. I don't believe the same can be said for his knowing me. At least his actions/words etc. did not reveal any empathic understanding of who I was. Only of who he thought I was. That said, this past year was 'gotten through.' Now, once again in August, I find myself with and without that person with whom I had gained some solace. I am still with him because I do know him. We, because of what we are involved with, will out of necessity see each other each week. I am without him because any other communication besides that which will occur when we must see each other is over. My girlfriends told me that if I hung out and went out with him I would not be approached by any other possible suitor. That was ok by me. I was enjoying the moment and not all that interested in the future. He was recently begun going out again solo. Ladies who had kept their distance from him because of me are now making themselves known to him. I hope he will find what he is looking for. I guess when push comes to shove I really wanted him to see me and know me. To act as a true reflection of who I was because I found it very difficult to see myself. Now I see that the reflection he presented to me was not real. For whatever reason he could not/would not see me for who I was--for who I am. It was for that reflection that I pushed. Funny that the basis of our relationship occurred through email and text. Funny that he would tell me that he wouldn't speak of these things to me face to face. Funny that I have always loved and used words in text to express myself. Funny that from the onset he tried to instill in me a sense that words were basically useless in terms of gaining a true understanding. The glorious contradictions of life. I have a file in his name in my email account that holds all of our correspondence throughout the entire year. A year's worth of correspondence. Exploration. Wrath. Humour. Exasperation. Wit. Love. Like other memories, I'll keep it stored away. Not to dwell but to cherish. Bitter sweet. All in all, it was a pretty good year.

I Hugged My Kids

Barbecued honey glazed and garlic chicken with a wee bit of Thai chili paste alongside steamed basmati rice and barbecued broccoli gently sprinkled with soy sauce. Belly is full.

No sitter tonight. No class tonight. Good to take a break. Must be the way it's supposed to be.

Had a scary moment on the phone with Xman. Seems that he got it in his head that if he takes joint custody of the children he won't have to pay support. He screamed and yelled and I hung up the phone. He spoke to his lawyer who told him that he was wrong. Hmmmm....I wonder. Will he still make an effort to see the kids more often now that he knows his financial responsibilities will remain the same? Time will tell. I won't be holding my breath.

It was good that this happened in a weird and perverse life lesson sort of way. I immediately reverted to my good ol' fight/flight instinct. I felt that my back was to a wall and my children were behind me holding on to a leg each. I freaked out. I was terrified. Terrified that he might get away with it. Terrified for the kids. They need/want to spend time with him but he has a whole lot of fence mending to do before they would be in any way shape or form ready to spend half of their time with them.

To be fair, I asked them. They consider home to be with me. They don't want it disrupted. Ok. For now I will stay the course.

As it stands, the kidlings will be off to stay with him on Saturday for 2 weeks -- part of their summer vacation avec daddy. I will miss them (once again...'miss' is a totally inadequate word) but we shall all get through this. I just might go out and discover some new friends? Who knows. At least I know that my fight/flight, even when triggered, won't last long. A short time after the phone call, a coolness came over me and I started to cover my bases. Contacted my lawyer. Made arrangements for additional child support (in case XMan were to pull out now completely). Hugged my kids. Hugged my kids. Hugged my kids.

Just Getting Some Words Out

Week off with kidlings. Just hanging out. This and that. That and this. Nice. Haven't slowed down and just allowed myself to 'be' in a very long time. Kidlings will be off at their dad's next week. It'll be hard but . . . we shall persevere.

Xman wants to discuss something in person with me this week. Ok. Not really wanting to face whatever it is but I guess it's necessary. It'll have to do with access or $$. Sigh. I have to remember to not fall into the trap that this is somehow my fault. Guess I'll let him know that he can drop by tonight after the kidlings are in bed.

Had a dream about the King of Wands upside down. A friend who wants to be solitary. Well then.

It hailed yesterday. Strange. Large chunks of ice pelted down.

Practice is going well. Was told that I was beginning to become a 'pain in the ass.' Nice to hear those words again. I'm physically stronger then ever before. Long, hard, sweaty practice last night and I've woken up with nothing sore. Nice.

Playing guitar again. Doing a wedding end of September. Working on getting pieces under my fingers again. Opening up the neural pathways and building up the strength so that the music can come out. Approaching music in a different way. Hard to explain. Letting the sound reveal itself.

For the rest of the day? Not sure. Will see what unfolds.

Wanted?

Kidz home. Sanity returns? Training for eventual empty nest syndrome.

Quotes from the boy:

"I don't mean to be mean but I don't really like daddy much. He didn't have much time for us. He worked and when he was home he spent most of his time on his laptop. We were told to go to our room and watch tv. His girlfriend is nice but she gets headaches everyday and needs her quiet time."

Talked to him that it was ok to express his feelings and no he wasn't being mean or bad. That he had every right to feel the way he was feeling. I asked if he tried to talk to his dad about how he was feeling. He said no. I said it was ok to talk to his dad about these things too. It might help?

"Mommy, why can't you just go out and find us a new daddy...one that can live here with us?"

This one threw me. I've been trying to keep my 'personal' life (not much of one to tell the truth but . . . ) personal. I've not wanted to bring anyone into the kidz lives right now. I've really not wanted to bring anyone deeply into my life right now. Hmmm.... Guess I should put an ad in a local?

"Wanted:

Single but difficult mom seeking man to share her life and take on the responsibility of aiding in the care and growth of 2 exceptional children. Must be low maintenance and not become liken to a '3rd child.' (Been there....done that). Should be tender and affectionate yet able to throw her hard. Must be independent and self sufficient. Humour is an asset."