Sunday, June 20, 2010

A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, not so very long ago, when I was a little girl, I believed in magic. I believed in magic so much so that I saw myself as a mystical being that could do wondrous things. Because I embodied magic and could do magical things it only made sense to me that I would be surrounded by symbols of magic. Thus began my first quest. At the ripe age of five I set out into the vast expanse of my backyard in search of a magical symbol. I began to look for a four leaf clover. I searched for hours. I searched for days. I didn’t search for weeks. I was five and had not yet developed the art of long term obsession.

He picked you up from the dentist. You had had a root canal. Together, you went for a drive across the river and into the hills. He was quiet. So were you. Your mind was numb like your jaw. When he stopped the car you willed for it to keep going. He got out, started walking and beckoned for you to follow. You didn’t want to go. Things were going to change and that terrified you. He told you that he had been doing a lot of thinking. Specifically, he had been thinking about the relationship. You remember thinking ‘here it comes.’ He asked if you would marry him. You remember being surprised but not. Your face was reflected in his sun glasses as you said ‘sure.’

A few weeks later I had a dream. I dreamt that I was running across the backyard wearing my night gown. Freshly cut grass covered in dew clung to my legs. I reached the apple tree and pressed my back against it. I could feel the bark on my back. With my right heel pressed firmly against the tree I placed my left heel in front and walked heel toe heel toe heel toe. I bent down to look and right there by the big toe of my foot was a 4 leaf clover!

You got married outside. His shoes cost more than your dress. You remember thinking as you danced that you were lousy dancers. Two months earlier he had come clean about having had an affair. It had happened before he proposed. You remember being angry, not so much about the betrayal but because it had happened so long ago that you no longer cared. The right to anger had been taken from you. Coming home from the honeymoon and looking around the apartment you wondered if you would ever feel really real? Life all seemed a bit make believe. A story witnessed from afar read from a book that could be closed at any time.

I woke up and ran outside. My father had cut the lawn the day before and fresh cut grass covered in dew clung to my legs. I reached the apple tree and pressed my back against it. I could feel the bark on my back. With my right heel pressed firmly against the tree I placed my left heel in front and walked heel toe heel toe heel toe. I bent down to look and right there by the big toe of my foot was a 5 leaf clover!

You both wanted a family. Did you? Didn't you? Yes. But that night you said no. Did you actually mean it? Yes. Really? Weren't you playing hard to get? No. You fought. Really? Never mind. It doesn’t matter. The scene was reenacted. Do it again but this time with feeling! Change the past and rewrite history. The end result is what matters. Why look back and focus on the negative? Just let it go. Count your blessings. Make sure it's completely swallowed lest you choke.

I was distraught. This was not how I dreamed it would be. The story was all wrong. I made a rash decision to change it so the ending would fit. I removed one of the leaves and transformed my 5 leaf clover into a 4 leaf clover. It took me many years to retell the story as it had really transpired.

Recently I told my daughter of my search for a four leaf clover. I retold my dream and its outcome. I admitted to her what I had done when the ending I sought hadn't occurred as I thought it should. Since then she has come home with 14 four leaf clovers. I have them pressed between the pages of ‘The I Ching – or book of changes.’ She is gifted with seeing what she is looking at and accepting what is there.

Will she one day feel the need to pull off a leaf to create her own 'Happily Ever After'?