So tomorrow, August 1st, will be my 10 year wedding anniversary. Well, it would be if I were still married. Technically I am still married but, other than the paperwork and some other niggling details yet to be sorted, that particular 'forever' commitment ended two years ago.
Funny how 'forever' has become, like most things, a disposable commodity like machines with plastic parts, paper napkins and items bearing 'made in China' stamps. Nevertheless, folk still buy into the dream of forever. Buyer beware. Like the Highlander they want to believe that their love will last throughout all of time. Forever love. But if we take time to be, essentially, a creation or social construct or mass hallucination or even if we merely take it as a point of reference, a belief in forever is as much a fantasy as believing that there is a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.
A friend told me the other day that a rainbow, when seen from space, is actually a circle. No beginning. No end. That's actually a 'forever' that I can take stock in and believe. Thus, if something begins 'out of the blue' chances are, it's going to end. Yes, some marriages actually make it to the 'until death do us part' bit but, there's still an ending. Are some spirits 'reborn' and meet somewhere 'in time' again and again throughout what we try to perceive as eternity? Perhaps.
I believe that I have been blessed with meeting at least one such being during my life thus far (and no, it wasn't the man I married). How do I know? As much as this person told me that I had no idea what they were about or who they were and that I knew nothing about them, I had already recognized their essential self. I knew them despite the affectations, scars and defensive posturing we are all guilty of embodying as we deal with the day to day crap that gets thrown at us time and time again. It's because of this recognition that I began to question notions of forever in the first place. That said, being only a foolish and silly human, notions of eternity and infinity are too large for my wee brain to comprehend -- thus the need to create 'time' as a reference point in the first place. Order out of a perceived chaos as it were.
Regardless, at this particular point/moment in time I feel like shit. I waver between demoralized abject despair and not wanting to care about anything anymore. (Phil Collins' lyrics scream through my head along with Max Webster's 'Bust the Busters.') Each is incredibly self indulgent but since I neither have a pint of rocky road ice cream in my freezer nor some homegrown organic to smoke I should be allowed instead a bit of time to wallow in self pity. Besides, at least I know this feeling won't last forever.
And tomorrow is just another day.
