Paying the Piper

When I was in highschool, I had a part time job in a theatre. I had this so I could cover my personal spending. I hated asking my folks for money.

In university, I held down 5 part time jobs, had a full course load and held down an 'A' average.

I have always worked. I have always believed that you get what you put in. Although times were at times tight, I got through it.

Now, I find myself in the position of having to be dependent to a certain extent on a person who does not necessarily share my views on this matter.

When I got married, I got my first full time job. While working at the job, I continued working on my master's degree, I kept the house in order (ie. clean), did my best to keep up with laundry and did my best to find time to go out with 'J.'

Kids came and when I went back to work after 7 months, J stayed home. His choice. He wanted the kids to know their daddy. But, while he was at home and I was at work, I was the one who still did the majority of the housework, while keeping our family finances in order. This was made tougher because I was not only making up for his not working but making up for the months preceding where I was on parental leave -- only 55% of my salary -- and J wasn't bringing in a lot then either. He stayed home for a year and a half and the kids then went to daycare. He took a construction job that lasted for approx. 4 months. It wasn't a great job. He had to commute long distances. He was tired. I understood when he left that job. It wasn't the first time he left a job that no longer made him feel good.

I'm sensing a theme. When the councillor asked him why he didn't want to come home at night, ie. what would happen to him, he replied 'I would be made to not feel good about myself.'
Hmmmmm.

So it's not just me. Certain jobs made him feel this way too. Perhaps its the very notion of responsibility. Being responsible. But he was a husband and father. Two titles that for all intensive purposes basically mean 'being responsible.'

When my dad got married, he was offered several part time contracts as a carpenter and builder. He turned them down even though he loved doing that work and the money was good. He looked and found a full time job with a steady paycheque.
He said that it was his responsibility to look after the family. My mother cleaned houses and law offices. She even cleaned our guitar teacher's house in exchange for lessons. Our garden fed us veggies that lasted through the winter and spring. Although my parents eventually separated when I was in highschool, my memories of growing up are good. Solid. We worked together as a family. My dad said that occasionally after work he'd stop and have a beer but, he was always home within an hour. He and my mom went dancing every weekend.

J has always gotten upset when he is faced with not getting what he wants. While I was doing my damnedest to make sure our bills were paid and we had a bit left over for savings, he insisted on keeping a chunk for himself. My salary has been larger and I have therefore been paying the larger percentage of the bills. I did not mind that because as a married couple and family I believed that we had a common pot and were working together towards the same goal. I didn't believe I was 'owed' anymore.

J told me he believed he deserved more. He deserved to be able to go out with this friends/work colleagues. He deserved to be able to spend 'his' money on climbing gear.

Our marriage died, because he wasn't getting what he deserved and I didn't make him feel good about himself.

Hunh.

I showed him the figures yesterday of what I've been paying and what his share would be if we had an even close to being equal financial relationship. I showed him where, all things being equal, we were short every month and when we had a surplus, it was because I cut out things from my life. The figure floored him. He mentioned that he would have to work 32 hours a week to pay it and keep enough for himself. Well yes. It's almost like having a full time job.

I'm angry. I feel like I have worked my arse off for this family unit. I have done what I can financially. I have done what I can physically. I have done what I can emotionally.
And maybe I'd be less angry if I had felt that he had been really and honestly helping. Helping keeping costs down (ok, whenever I mentioned something the family could do he'd question whether or not we could afford it but if it came to going out with the boyz the money somehow was there eh?), helping with the housework (really it was like pulling teeth to get help and I would be made to feel bad and guilty just for asking), just plain ol' helping. Not making me feel like a jailer. The no fun zone queen.

Now I wonder if I should find a night shift job. Other single mom's do it. I can't bring myself to leaving the kids at home alone though. J mentioned, I'm sure in partial jest?, that welfare might be good for me because then I could spend my time writing.

I know that J will do what he can to support his kids. I'm not sure if his version of doing what he can will mean sacrificing his own wants. He admitted to me before time and time again that he came first. He was selfish. He was self absorbed.

I thought that we would both be able to work hard while enjoying our family. I thought we would be able to look back at the years spent together and one day be able to say 'hey, it was tough going for a while but we made it -- together.'

He wanted me to love him and accept him as he was and I did. I do. But I also wanted him to act and be grown up. To take responsibilty. Not only because it was the right thing to do. But because it was something he could take pride in. To actually make him feel better about himself.