A Thing I Know

Things I know:



When I told J about not appreciating reading the message from a her he removed the possibility of that happening by removing the automatic log in on the computer. This only removes the possibility of me stumbling across more communications from her. The communication will continue. This I know.

Vomit

I'm up. It's early. 'J' came and went. Used the shower, changed his undies (left them in the laundry hamper?) and took off to work. Doesn't think he'll be 'back.' Not for a while. He hugged the kids in their sleep. He's kidding himself if he thinks that's anywhere near to being enough. Kids are missing him. But are being strong. 'A' didn't scream 'I want my daddy' for 2 hours last night like he did the night before. He actually came up to me yesterday afternoon and asked if I was sad about daddy. I said yes. He took my cheeks in my hands and said 'Please mommy, can you forget about him for awhile? Let's play!' Best advice I had heard all day. 'S' is desperate to have a happy outlook. She's strong but I see it whirling around her on the inside. If 'J' does come back he'll have a lot of repair work to do. Yesterday, 'A' spoke to 'J' briefly on the phone. After the call he said 'Blah Blah Blah. He was too quiet and I don't know what he said.' 'A' spoke to his Gramps on the phone and went on and on about their conversation. I have written out Gramps' phone # as well as 'J's' so that 'A' can call either any time. 'A' gave up on calling 'J' yesterday when he kept getting the message machine. 'A' is confused and angry. I told 'A' that his daddy was probably at work so couldn't answer the phone.

We went camping. 'J' came home on Wednesday morning after climbing on Tuesday afternoon and getting too stoned to come home that night. Although he was tired and crusty we had promised the kids a camping trip and after only 2 hours of prep work, we were on the road. We went to Achray in Algonquin. It was beautiful. 'J' was surly. 'J' was not happy to be there. On day 2 'J' was nic fitting and got mad at me when I mentioned that it might be a waste of gas to drive over an hour to the outpost to get cigarettes that I would have to pay for. I let him go. What choice did I have? Maybe he'd be more civil. Turns out it worked to an extent. Life at the camp ground became almost happy. The kids had fun. The kids and I went to the beach about 3 or 4 times per day. They loved it. 'A' no longer has any fear putting his face under water...he actually opened his eyes! He was also working hard at swimming by himself. J went on a solo hike. He had a nap in the tent. He came swimming twice. The food was good. I saw a golden eagle. I saw a fire fly. A chipmunk became our campsite friend. Mosquitos were fierce.

On the last night, J and I sat by the fire and talked. J told me that it did no good. He didn't love me. Was there anyone else I asked? What about her? What about her he said. There is no other her. Then he leaned over and kissed me. Not once but maybe twice or three times? Beautiful and soft. Tender and loving. I may be a fool but I know he still loves me. I need to hold on to that hope. I wonder about her though. It was May 28th when he first met up with her again. May 28th when I can, looking back, see a beginning slide to this point we are at now.
All in my head? My head is spinning. Maybe she was just a catalyst?

Driving home was ok...well, not really. S puked in car. Seems she get car sick just like I used to. I stopped for lunch a while later knowing she needed something in her belly. J snarked and snapped. I ran over a median. I blew a tire. J yelled and fumed. I tried to get J to call CAA but he wouldn't. He finally tossed the phone to me (I remember thinking that the reason he didn't want to use the phone was because the battery was low and he didn't want to miss out on more important calls) I took the kids and ran across the highway to a body shop and got some help. A wonderful man came over and helped. J hugged me then and apologized. We went in for lunch. Very good lunch. Drove home in the rain taking back roads. Roads we used to take when we would just go driving for fun.

When we got home, J cleaned the cat box and the kids and I emptied the car. I started the laundry. J went to a work site to get his tools. When he got back he leaned into the kitchen and said he'd be back. I carried on cleaning up after camping and finishing the laundry. I made dinner. J didn't come back until late last night (I heard him come in). He woke up early to shower and hugged the kids and left.

I have a pretty bad cold. My chest hurts and I cough a lot. I have a yeast infection. Wow. Seems that when my defenses are down they really plunge eh? I'm tired and wired. I'm in fight mode but, I don't know which way to turn. I feel that I am on my last legs here.

Maybe I'll be able to grap a quick snooze before the kids get up and we continue doing what we are doing. One day, I guess, it will become clear as to what this is.

Two minute break to wallow while the kidlings eat lunch and then back to being mommy

If I breathe in deeply, my chest begins to hurt. Shallow breaths make me light headed. Calm is impossible to achieve. I work at making this summer a good one for the wee ones. They are keeping me sane. They are keeping me from running. J wants to see a councillor. Yes. I agree. But. But. But. He has gone to work. Not called a councillor. And he has planned to go climbing. Again. No phone call. No council sought good or otherwise. We are going camping. As a family. A loosely phrased word but the kids are really looking forward to it. They know what's going on. 'A' is acting out. 'S' is withdrawing. I'm trying to keep it together. I have realized that I have been the one trying to keep things together for the past few years. I have been working. Alone. What will happen if I finally just let go? Give up? Throw in the proverbial towel as it were -- after, of course, I wash it and fold it and put it away. J told me once and many times that he would fight for me...for us. Really? I think about Othello, who 'threw a pearl away richer than all his tribe...'
I turn on the computer in the morning and find a post not yet read for J from a her. A her who wrote it late in the night wishing J a good morning and a good day at work. A her who, like it or not, is involved because this her is wishing J good mornings from afar and late at night. A time when J and I were lying together and not together. A her who knew that J was working today. And maybe J doesn't want to tell me about the contact because he wants to protect me. Maybe there isn't anything going on. But it still shows an intimacy that exists between J and a her. A her not me. And even though it was inadvertant--I just logged in not thinking of names...and this message from her popped up...this message benign and innocuous on the surface...this message wishing J a good morning and a good day at work--even though it was inadvertant I felt like the intruder. The voyeur. The one who didn't belong. The outsider. Just another cast off pearl.

A New Day

And just like that the clouds begin to part and beams of sun break through and the ground I'm standing on is solid and warm. I'm off for a small road trip with the kids. It'll be good. I'm looking forward to it. I'm not scared anymore -- well, not too scared...not as scared. J and I are talking. And holding. And accepting. And smiling. And loving.

Thanks for listening.

And so it goes

Yesterday we went for a drive as a family. Laughed. Giggled. Played. Went to the chocolate factory. All in all a great day. Except. Now there are exceptions. Big 'buts' (and I cannot lie). Territory has been marked out. Demarcations in the soil. Or is it sand? Home is no longer safe. Things can become uprooted within a moment's notice. Where I used to think that all would be fine and I could trust in tomorrow, I now have doubt. It's not insecurity. It's more like being unsecured. Unmoored. Ready to drift away... I am feeling, at present, a bit like a ghost. Only partially present. I'm doing my darnedest to see him. Does he see me? Is he trying like I am or is he putting in time. He said that he's come to the conclusion that I don't want him and that I would be happier with someone else. He said that he is ok with that as long as I am happy. I think that he should stop thinking and feeling for me and that he should give me a bit of credit. That is, if I wanted someone else, I'd go out and get someone else. When we first met, although we moved in together quickly and outwardly at least we looked like a couple, I really had no idea if he wanted me as a friend or something more. He was good at sending mixed signals. I feel like I've gone back in time. Not knowing. And now its worse because I can't trust myself. The day before yesterday I trusted my feelings. I knew my own heart. If everything around me, however, is in limbo and I find myself beginning to float, what can I really trust?

Shattered

Today is the first day of my summer vacation. It is the last chance as I can see it for the entire family to spend any vacation time together for awhile. The kids are in Grade One next year and daycare is done for them so, in theory, J and I would have to stagger our time offs to extend throughout the summer. This year, I've taken the kids out of daycare for the next three weeks so we can have a 'summer to remember.' It's not starting well. I have hope but it's pretty bleak. I don't know what to do. My family, my immediate family, is tearing apart. Falling apart works too. It's like I'm falling and tearing at the same time. Tearing and tearing cuz my eyes are flooded as well. I think back to last week. Was it last week? When J and I talked about camping. Going away for a weekend here and there. Perhaps renting a canoe. Saving up $$ by not going to PEI or elsewhere. $$ for a house. a new car for J. $$ for future trips abroad. We also discussed getting away together. Somewhere for just the two of us. A weekend. Even a night. I wish I could go back. Or forward enough to skip what I'm feeling now. Unravelled. Raw. So this is what a breaking heart feels like ...