Shattered

Today is the first day of my summer vacation. It is the last chance as I can see it for the entire family to spend any vacation time together for awhile. The kids are in Grade One next year and daycare is done for them so, in theory, J and I would have to stagger our time offs to extend throughout the summer. This year, I've taken the kids out of daycare for the next three weeks so we can have a 'summer to remember.' It's not starting well. I have hope but it's pretty bleak. I don't know what to do. My family, my immediate family, is tearing apart. Falling apart works too. It's like I'm falling and tearing at the same time. Tearing and tearing cuz my eyes are flooded as well. I think back to last week. Was it last week? When J and I talked about camping. Going away for a weekend here and there. Perhaps renting a canoe. Saving up $$ by not going to PEI or elsewhere. $$ for a house. a new car for J. $$ for future trips abroad. We also discussed getting away together. Somewhere for just the two of us. A weekend. Even a night. I wish I could go back. Or forward enough to skip what I'm feeling now. Unravelled. Raw. So this is what a breaking heart feels like ...