Vomit

I'm up. It's early. 'J' came and went. Used the shower, changed his undies (left them in the laundry hamper?) and took off to work. Doesn't think he'll be 'back.' Not for a while. He hugged the kids in their sleep. He's kidding himself if he thinks that's anywhere near to being enough. Kids are missing him. But are being strong. 'A' didn't scream 'I want my daddy' for 2 hours last night like he did the night before. He actually came up to me yesterday afternoon and asked if I was sad about daddy. I said yes. He took my cheeks in my hands and said 'Please mommy, can you forget about him for awhile? Let's play!' Best advice I had heard all day. 'S' is desperate to have a happy outlook. She's strong but I see it whirling around her on the inside. If 'J' does come back he'll have a lot of repair work to do. Yesterday, 'A' spoke to 'J' briefly on the phone. After the call he said 'Blah Blah Blah. He was too quiet and I don't know what he said.' 'A' spoke to his Gramps on the phone and went on and on about their conversation. I have written out Gramps' phone # as well as 'J's' so that 'A' can call either any time. 'A' gave up on calling 'J' yesterday when he kept getting the message machine. 'A' is confused and angry. I told 'A' that his daddy was probably at work so couldn't answer the phone.

We went camping. 'J' came home on Wednesday morning after climbing on Tuesday afternoon and getting too stoned to come home that night. Although he was tired and crusty we had promised the kids a camping trip and after only 2 hours of prep work, we were on the road. We went to Achray in Algonquin. It was beautiful. 'J' was surly. 'J' was not happy to be there. On day 2 'J' was nic fitting and got mad at me when I mentioned that it might be a waste of gas to drive over an hour to the outpost to get cigarettes that I would have to pay for. I let him go. What choice did I have? Maybe he'd be more civil. Turns out it worked to an extent. Life at the camp ground became almost happy. The kids had fun. The kids and I went to the beach about 3 or 4 times per day. They loved it. 'A' no longer has any fear putting his face under water...he actually opened his eyes! He was also working hard at swimming by himself. J went on a solo hike. He had a nap in the tent. He came swimming twice. The food was good. I saw a golden eagle. I saw a fire fly. A chipmunk became our campsite friend. Mosquitos were fierce.

On the last night, J and I sat by the fire and talked. J told me that it did no good. He didn't love me. Was there anyone else I asked? What about her? What about her he said. There is no other her. Then he leaned over and kissed me. Not once but maybe twice or three times? Beautiful and soft. Tender and loving. I may be a fool but I know he still loves me. I need to hold on to that hope. I wonder about her though. It was May 28th when he first met up with her again. May 28th when I can, looking back, see a beginning slide to this point we are at now.
All in my head? My head is spinning. Maybe she was just a catalyst?

Driving home was ok...well, not really. S puked in car. Seems she get car sick just like I used to. I stopped for lunch a while later knowing she needed something in her belly. J snarked and snapped. I ran over a median. I blew a tire. J yelled and fumed. I tried to get J to call CAA but he wouldn't. He finally tossed the phone to me (I remember thinking that the reason he didn't want to use the phone was because the battery was low and he didn't want to miss out on more important calls) I took the kids and ran across the highway to a body shop and got some help. A wonderful man came over and helped. J hugged me then and apologized. We went in for lunch. Very good lunch. Drove home in the rain taking back roads. Roads we used to take when we would just go driving for fun.

When we got home, J cleaned the cat box and the kids and I emptied the car. I started the laundry. J went to a work site to get his tools. When he got back he leaned into the kitchen and said he'd be back. I carried on cleaning up after camping and finishing the laundry. I made dinner. J didn't come back until late last night (I heard him come in). He woke up early to shower and hugged the kids and left.

I have a pretty bad cold. My chest hurts and I cough a lot. I have a yeast infection. Wow. Seems that when my defenses are down they really plunge eh? I'm tired and wired. I'm in fight mode but, I don't know which way to turn. I feel that I am on my last legs here.

Maybe I'll be able to grap a quick snooze before the kids get up and we continue doing what we are doing. One day, I guess, it will become clear as to what this is.