If I breathe in deeply, my chest begins to hurt. Shallow breaths make me light headed. Calm is impossible to achieve. I work at making this summer a good one for the wee ones. They are keeping me sane. They are keeping me from running. J wants to see a councillor. Yes. I agree. But. But. But. He has gone to work. Not called a councillor. And he has planned to go climbing. Again. No phone call. No council sought good or otherwise. We are going camping. As a family. A loosely phrased word but the kids are really looking forward to it. They know what's going on. 'A' is acting out. 'S' is withdrawing. I'm trying to keep it together. I have realized that I have been the one trying to keep things together for the past few years. I have been working. Alone. What will happen if I finally just let go? Give up? Throw in the proverbial towel as it were -- after, of course, I wash it and fold it and put it away. J told me once and many times that he would fight for me...for us. Really? I think about Othello, who 'threw a pearl away richer than all his tribe...'
I turn on the computer in the morning and find a post not yet read for J from a her. A her who wrote it late in the night wishing J a good morning and a good day at work. A her who, like it or not, is involved because this her is wishing J good mornings from afar and late at night. A time when J and I were lying together and not together. A her who knew that J was working today. And maybe J doesn't want to tell me about the contact because he wants to protect me. Maybe there isn't anything going on. But it still shows an intimacy that exists between J and a her. A her not me. And even though it was inadvertant--I just logged in not thinking of names...and this message from her popped up...this message benign and innocuous on the surface...this message wishing J a good morning and a good day at work--even though it was inadvertant I felt like the intruder. The voyeur. The one who didn't belong. The outsider. Just another cast off pearl.
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