Checks and Balances

"I've been talking to some people who you call your friends,
and it seems to me there's a means to an end
They don't care anymore..."

Thank you P. Collins. Thank you Mr. O'C.

And so it goes. Tonight will be the first night that the wee ones will not be residing with me. The house will be empty. They are having a 'sleep over' at J's. I feel at odds. I want them to be with J. He has not spent a whole lot of time with them and that's not good -- for oh so many reasons. Reasons which, to any sane and functional human being are blatantly obvious so I won't go into detail. Those who can't think of any reasons are probably drinking from the same tap as ... well, why name names eh?

I also feel caged. Trapped. On edge. Ready at a moment's notice to jump up and fight. I dropped them off and drove away. I left them smiling. I'll pick them up tomorrow at 1pm. I miss them more than can be imagined. The word 'miss' isn't correct. It would be like having a leg removed and saying "I miss my leg." A part of me is away. I am not whole. People tell me I'll get used to this???? It's not that I fear for the wee ones in any way. I would not have dropped them off. I would not have driven away. They were smiling. They'll have a wonderful time. It will be a holiday. A holiday from reality to a certain extent. A holiday from real life. Much the same as is being had by ... but again, are names important?

I drove off to see a friend. I needed a shoulder. Like a homing pigeon I found someone who I needed to see. He understood. He understands what matters most. The wee ones. He understands that as much as I want to, I can't protect them from everything. That they will need to go through things and figure stuff out for themselves. He understands that I feel rage, and hurt, and sorrow, and fear. My Id is raw and visible.

I'm off balance. Out of whack.

I had an epiphany during my last Aikido class. I realized that it hasn't been control that I have been after. It's balance. When faced with new situations, one immediately attempts to regain a sense of balance. Although I know that balance will return to me I am scrambling right now. Clutching at air. At ideas. At words. At work. At anything that will bring me calm. Slow down my heart. Unclench my fists. Anything that will let me carry on. To carry on not as if nothing has happened. To carry on, instead, in spite of everything that is happening.