Tough as ...

Yup. I'm tough. Went to the dentist today. He was running late. I didn't mind. There was a 3 week old 'People' magazine on the table. What more could I ask for? Photos of skinny closet pukers dressed in shiny material strips arm in arm with significant others plastered beside pictures of bitter ex's. Real life baby. Well, after 1/2 hour, I was finally let in. The dentist looked at the offending tooth and said, 'Well, it's really a small hole. Do you want to forgo the freezing?' I was a bit unnerved but, said 'yes' in my best non-chalent manner. Well, suffice it to say, I survived. I was outta there 10 minutes after I sat down on the chair. The dentist was back on schedule. As I said before. I'm tough. I'm badass. I don't need no stinking freezing. Bring it on I say. Yup. Bring it on. I'll take it.

New Dog, Old Tricks

It's an old story really. Real old. Perhaps a bit dull? Boy goes to school. Boy meets girl. Boy continues with school. Boy gets married. Boy continues with school. Boy has family. Boy finishes school. Boy grows up to be King. Early in his reign, he surveyed his domain and said to himself 'I am one of the people...I will go out and mingle among them.' He invited them to breakfast in small groups where they were able to make their own minds up that their new king was, indeed, a wonderful man, brilliant tactition and compassionate good hearted leader of the people. The King listens to them and responds to them--when, of course, they are speaking his language. The language of conformity. The language of banality. The language of structure minus heart. It's an old language. Spoken by many boys for many years. Unlike Latin, it's not yet extinct. One might wonder why it's still around and spoken throughout the world? Seeing that it hasn't evolved? I dunno. Another one of life's mysteries. The world is full of them. Nevertheless, the King loves to speak the old language. He is a master of the witty turn of phrase. The, how do the Europeans put it? The double entendre. More entertaining than any salesman one might encounter -- even those who sell used cars. On one particular occasion, the King was invited to a special ceremony. He was to honour people in his Kingdom who had 'done good.' It was another opportunity for him to speak to the masses and he was tickled pink -- not that pink...but, the manly pink. He had awards to hand out. He looked around. Knowing that he was King. That all eyes were upon him. That he was untouchable. He could do or say anything. What did he say? He looked around and asked for his 'Vanna.' 'I need a Vanna. Where is my Vanna?' He kept asking until he spied a young blonde woman. Thrilled to be chosen by the King himself for this honour, she assisted in handing out the awards, all the while doing her very best to hide behind a post as the King's people looked on in awe.

Limbo

I have a strange feeling of trepidation today. I had the day off from work. Went to the dentist...a bit of gum disease--I really don't floss as much as I should--and a small hole in a filling that will need to be repaired next week. I made a marble bag for A. 'A' has been teased lately by a neighbour boy who has marbles while A doesn't. So, J and I got A some marbles today and I thought I could make a bag. I did. Hand sewn. I'm actually quite proud of it. I even managed to hide most of the franken stitching. Best part is that A likes it.

I don't know from where my unease is coming. I have a couple hip hop shows coming to the theatre this weekend as well as an afternoon of musical theatre excerpts. The hip hop might be a bit demanding...they require a bit of a set up but, it should be pretty smooth. The musical theatre folks come from a school that trains kids really well. The kids have pipes and acting ability. It's fun. The kids got an early birthday present today from 'C' -- a couple of gorgeous blankets. They have been hand crocheted and are beautiful. The kids love them. I covet them. Very very cool.

It's not even a feeling of unease really...it's kind of a nervous energy...something I used to feel before a performance. Odd. The garden is growing very nicely. I already have cherry tomatoes appearing. Perfect and green. The beans are stretching out their runners up the bamboo poles. The cucumbers are looking to overtake the yard. All is good. I don't have many weeds. I think it's because I was so excited by April to have a garden that I was out there weeding everyday--weeks before planting. I love playing in the dirt.

Oh...one more thing. Kids had pizza for dinner tonight so I made them a dessert pizza too. One slice of watermelon covered with 'sauce' made up of raspberry apple sauce. I then added pieces of cantelope and slices of kiwi. It was awesome!! I highly recommend this.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

Mythology

It's a rite of passage. Santa Claus doesn't exist. Neither does the Tooth Fairy. Certain people actually tell you that they love you for their own personal gain. So-called 'reality t.v.' is scripted. I've accepted these and more. This latest one, however, is more difficult to handle. I didn't realize that I was so naive but, can you believe that I believed universities were supposed to harbour a culture of independent thought and freedom to research things that mightn't be on any top-ten list of the moment. I received in my mailbox today a red book outlining the new and improved direction that the university is planning to take. I actually submitted a proposal to the committee in charge of creating this plan of action. I kinda wish I could take my words back. The report is called 'Global Engagement for the 21st Century.' Seriously. Here's the link so you know I'm not making that up: Report Can you tell that the communications office has gained more control? Besides the 'newspeak' type of writing, the content leaves a bit to be desired. Art and culture are pretty much ignored in this particular report. There really isn't much meat here on the whole. There is, however, something that I find particularly disturbing. When addressing the matter of research, the report states that '[t]he University must be strategic in determining those areas of research excellence to which it is prepared to give institutional priority and support. These Strategic Research Areas, must, however, be determined from the ground up, so long as they reflect or express the University's priorities.' (emphasis mine) The report goes into specifics: 'there should exist a critical mass of faculty support within the institution to support any particular initiative. The risk that strategic themes simply reflect a single unit or an elite few, to the exclusion of the broader university research profile, must be minimized.' So...am I reading this right? Does this mean that the research that will be supported will be the most popular? I'll take a guess that this popular research will have the support of corporations who are willing to provide lots of money to guarantee that what they want studied is studied. A bonus for them, I guess, is that they are also getting specially trained future workers.

For some reason, I've been thinking about my family. My grandfather on my dad's side was whisked away to a Soviet labour camp in approx. 1937. My grandmother spent months trying to find out what happened to him. She went from one office to another...each time being told that she was in the wrong line. Stalin was a master of bureaucracy. Finally, one man told her that if she continued, she would be taken to join him. Another, kinder, fellow told her that the minimum sentence for a crime against the state was 10 years. It was in her best interest to give up. She packed up her family and escaped to Finland. Later, when approaching her pension years, she was told that she needed proof of either her husband's death or if he was still alive. She managed to find out that he had died at a camp somewhere in Siberia in 1947. I guess his sentence was up.

When the freedom to think and research is taken away, innocent people can get picked up and forced into labour ... their lives stolen. If the freedom to think is gone...so is freedom. I'm probably overreacting but I really don't like what's happening. Not at the university, not in government, not in the environment...etc. I love my family. I love my friends. These are things I value. I also value my thoughts (as mundane as they are...they're mine). It's very difficult to sit back and watch as an institution I value is transformed before my eyes into something unrecognizable. Or, have I just not noticed the truth? Have I believed in this particular myth for too long?

Let Me Eat Cake!

I've just downed two Stella and am feeling a bit buzzy and am now waiting for my tea to steep. I got the best tea pot ever for my birthday. Very cool. Very hip. Doesn't drip. Yay. J is refusing to get me a snack. Bastard. I'm using sex against him. ie. I don't plan on having any but might be persuaded if I got a yummy snack. Thing is, I don't know what I want. Chances are, whatever J got for me wouldn't be right at this moment anyway so......and really, I'm buzzed and sleepy...not a good combination for late night romping. I vaguely remember a time in my past when alcohol actually seemed to energize me. J isn't falling for it anyway. He's caught on to my wily ways. The magic is gone. I've gone all predictible on him. Kids are finally asleep. Buggers stay up really late and they still seem to have energy in the morning. Damn...I just sneezed and bit my tongue. Yes...I'm pretty useless at the moment. But hey, I can type. A physics professor used our theatre today. He had to take pictures of a person serving a tennis ball. The tennis player served the ball into the wings where I have German dressing set up so the ball came back. I spent the day spring cleaning the office. It is the last day of spring after all. Happy solstice all! Anyone looking for a good read? Check out the 'Hatbox Letters' by Beth Powning. Beautiful and poetic and a damn fine read. J is getting me a cup of tea. I told him that I was writing about him. He's laughing at me. I forgot to poor the water into the pot. La La La. I'm useless right now. Best if I go to bed. After my tea of course. My dad and his girlfriend were in town for a couple days. It's really nice to see him happy. I like her. She is definitely strong minded...and she adores him. A good combination for him. They are on their way to Halifax to see my brother E and to visit the east coast. It will be the first time that my dad is out there. Funny. When he and my mother were married she always complained that they never went anywhere. After the divorce, my mother told me that my dad would never go for a walk with her. Now, my dad is travelling all the time...seeing the world and enjoying life. He also makes a point of walking 5-10km everyday. Not too shabby for a 76 year old. His girlfriend brought the best poppy seed lemon cake I've ever had. There's some left. It's in the fridge. That's what I want. Catch y'all later.

Who Is John Galt? Part II

I'm feeling increasingly irrelevant as mornings come and go. In a recent message outlining his perspectives on the role of the university in today's world, the President of Carleton University argues that a primary function of the university must be to prepare students for the work force. Although he agrees '...that universities are first and foremost about the public good--about providing our students with the self-awareness and critical skills necessary to be responsible citizens in civil society....' he goes on with a 'but' and states that '...given their [students and parents] enormous private investment, it is only reasonable that students expect some form of private return.' Huh. I guess a higher education itself is no longer a 'return' eh? Knowledge for knowledge's sake is not worth all that much unless it can bring in the coin. Where did this 'reasonable' belief that one deserves a return come from anyway? Anyone else read 'Pygmalion?' It reminds me of those students who state that they 'paid enough in tuition to deserve a grade better then a B.' I wish I were making that up. Well, the president also mentions that '...without a decent livelihood, it is difficult to make much headway on living a good life and making a difference.' Hmmmm. Funny how I don't see many social activists driving around in Lexus. The president takes on critics who have said that '...the university should not be in the business of preparing students for work....' as it '...simply ignores the reality of the world in which we live, and that universities, over time, have become enormously complex institutions that provide a range of programs and services unthinkable even 50 years ago.' I guess the university should become one stop shopping for education. Part trade school, part professional school, part ... circus? What about us poor sods who believe in learning for the love of learning and after obtaining a degree don't even want to teach (heresy). He also states that '[l]earning is no longer something that only occurs at the "beginning" of a career' as he argues that most people in the current workforce will need to be retrained at some point in their lives. I think I'm beginning to catch on. He's not arguing for students. He's arguing for funding. If he can swing retraining as an option he's opened up the university to an untapped well of prospective clients...er, I mean students.... To read the entire piece, feel free to go here: 'From The Top'

Why does this article bother me? Why indeed. Why are universities becoming more like Walmart chains then institutions of higher learning? Just because this seems to be a current trend does it really make one naive to want to rally against it? Surely not all trends are good ones...remember shoulder pads? Is there a place for the intellectual? It seems to me that the university, if it continues to head down this road, will no longer be able to be a safe home for those who want to challenge the status quo...it might mess with corporate sponsorship. I feel disheartened. I feel that I may as well be going wee into the wind. I feel outnumbered. All I can do is say that I don't subscribe to the particular point of view that is posited in the above mentioned article. Is there hope? Who is John Galt?

A History of Smoking (Part V)

It was funny how one month I was chastising my boss for smoking in the office, and in the next I was bumming a light from him. I loved smoking. I worked in a university cafe and took delight in grabbing 'breaks' during light moments and going over to sit with other smokers. My guitar instructor found out. He chastised me. Told me I was killing my capillaries...that my playing would suffer. I really didn't care. I had a bottle of Jack in my locker. I was enjoying the life of the 'artiste.' Geesh. Then I met 'A.' He came to one of my recitals. He told me that he thought smoking was sexy. I mocked him and faked coughing up a lung in his face. I liked him. He didn't smoke. After a while, neither did I. Well, not until we went off to England together. A couple nights before we left there was a moment of forshadowing. One of our drunken neighbours dropped a bottle on his car and smashed the windshield. I reached for a smoke. I nearly puked. The desire to smoke it was there. We left the country. We were gone for 58 days. We backpacked and stayed in hostels. After 2 weeks, I bought myself a pack of B&H and was smoking in the tent. I was rebelling. He didn't like it. I didn't care. I was in control. We got back to Canada and, about 4 days later, he broke up with me. I was heart broken. Devestated. But...I was smoking again. I also lost weight. Perfect. How could smoking be bad for me? I gained new friends...of course they smoked. I remember sitting in rooms downing red wine and jack and finishing off a pack. One night, I brought a boy home from a coffee shop. I remember finishing off 2 bottles of wine, a half a bag of pot, 2 condoms and a pack of smokes. I remember my mom calling me the next day and I was able to mention all of these things except for the smoking -- the pot I mentioned...the cigarettes I couldn't. Strange eh? I became adept at hiding my smoking from my parents. Much easier when I was 12 hours away. Harder when I went to visit them or they came up to visit me. The smoking/non smoking dance was an odd one. And, at the time, one I had fun being a part of.

Kill 'em All!!

I found this game: skeetersplat
I'm hooked.
There is also a game where you race to make sushi...pacman style!
It's the simple things that keep me amused really.

With Silver Bells & Cockle Shells

It's raining again. I'm not complaining. I'm singing. My garden is coming up very well. I put in some bamboo poles to support the beans as they are already 4" high! J came home with lumber. He's building himself a work bench so that he can build the shelves and laundry sorting table I want. He has already built me shelves without the work bench but, this bench will make everything easier for him he says. Ok. I still haven't been able to find homes for my books since moving here. As well, it's a pain not to be able to fold laundry as it comes out of the dryer. The kids need new beds too. J has bunk bed plans. I'm not certain about that. I wonder if we'd be better off just purchasing a set. Then again, if J made them, they'd be sure to last. I guess it depends on how much spare time he has this summer. I've started and stopped and started and stopped a letter to a friend. Even though I'm typing, not writing -- my handwriting sucks...really--it's hard to get into a letter writing groove. Maybe I should just put pen to paper and let her decipher the scrawl. It is strange having a long distance relationship. So much of what I want to say is caught up in moments--once passed, gone--and what I miss most just can't transfer over the telephone. But, really, we've always been able to live separate lives and remain close. This has probably been one of the reasons that we have been able to remain as close as we are. That and well...she's got a groovy bod eh? Like...she's hot. (hee hee...well come on...it's not like anyone actually reads this) So I clocked in 37 hours of overtime in May. Car repairs are paid for! Kids, however, have been missing me. And, I've been missing them. This month I've vowed no overtime. Unfortunately, I still have to work every weekend until July but, those shifts are shorter (usually 4 hours or less) so there is still plenty of playtime left in the day. J is picking up a lot of shifts...the union thing is working well for him. This means that we are finally starting to come out of financial panic land and can start saving up for things like...a new car...a house...vacations that don't involve driving to visit my parents...etc. etc. etc. Oh. I have another pet peeve. Strong victims. People who really shouldn't be victims but seem to purposefully put themselves 'out there' as such and, instead of standing up for themselves then and there (and really, they are strong enough to do so), choose instead to fall back into victim response mode and whinge afterwards about how horrible the situation was and how hard done by they were by ... the system...the corporation...the man...the ideology...the WHATEVER. Geesh. Stand up at the time or don't bother. I just feel like slapping them. I mean...have some agency eh? Thankfully, I'm not seeing as much of this anymore (could it be that the it's cuz the main school year is over and most of the whingers have left campus to pursue summer jobs where they will, no doubt be shat upon by someone thus justifying to themselves their propensity to cry foul when really it's them that have fouled up cuz they haven't bothered to actually step up to the plate). Thus endeth my rant.