It's Hard

It's hard. It's hard to bring him up. It's hard to discuss. It's hard to acknowledge.

I want to thank a friend. Many actually. One in particular. My son and I went over for a visit. Bringing candy. With no discomfort she, my friend, brought up my son's dad. In a good way. There was no hesitation. She mentioned his dad in a way that made my son proud. A way that gave my son a feeling of connection with his father. A connection that was ok. I found that I could bring him up with more ease then too.

I'd stopped doing that. Stopped bringing him up. Stopped discussing him. Stopped thinking about him. I tried anyway. Consciously. Unconsciously. When we first split up I tried to keep his name in the open. I tried to keep a relationship current between him and the kids. It was hard. I felt that I was fighting a losing battle. I thought it was important to keep bringing him up for the sake of the kids. I wanted him to call more. See the kids more. I eventually stopped. It was tiring. On the occasions that he did call, I found myself becoming irritated. Feeling interrupted. It was easier for me, as time went on, to just pretend he didn't exist.

My friend opened a door. By bringing up my son's father nonchalantly in conversation, she acknowledged my son's history. His lineage. She acknowledged that his father was a part of his life. This was good. This is good. This is something that I can do. Should do. I am starting to tell stories to the kids about my past. Their dad is a part of my past. Our past. I no longer feel the urge to censor things. I can tell them funny stories. Loving stories. Life stories. What's different is that I don't have to depend on Xman to make the effort to take an active role in their lives. I can't make him call. I can, however, give my children a sense of belonging. A sense of history.

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Coda:

I took the 'missing' posters down from the office walls today. 'I guess she's not missing anymore,' said my boss. 'Yes she is,' I replied. 'It's just that the posters won't help to find her anymore.'