Requiem for EAM

Rest in Peace.

I met you first. The first member of the family of which I would eventually become a part. You were charming and stern. Wearing white. Your chair was more an accessory than a hindrance. Your beard was trimmed as was custom. You had a twinkle in your eye. You knew I didn't quite fit in. Me with my flowered skirts and long untied hair. I brought daisies and dandelions with me to work. You would smile. Accepting me for who I was. What, I wonder, did you think when your son brought me home for dinner? If you had any reservations, you never let on. You would regale us all with tales from the sea. Your eyes always held their sparkle. You would flirt. Shamelessly. I saw the best of your son in you at those moments.

I remember when the boys had a task of digging a trench in the backyard. I don't know whose idea it was to take a break after digging a couple feet and getting the beer. It was probably a mutual decision. Your face when I came upon the scene was priceless. The other guys ran off and left you to protect them; Take the fall more like. You stuttered and stammered and then just shrugged your shoulders. Boys would be boys. It was a club that I would never be allowed to join. You, however, never made me feel excluded.

I'm glad you are now at peace. I'm glad you are free. You left this world in control. When all control was taken from you, you made the ultimate choice to let go. As you lived, you died. A captain.

Holiday Update

The kids spent the day at xman's today. I went shopping with my mom. It was a good day. When I picked up the kids, their heads smelled like his apartment. This is all part of the new reality. Tomorrow we will go swimming. Yesterday, we went to a movie. It was the first time the kids were in a movie theatre. 'Alvin and the Chipmunks.' Kids loved it. I loved watching the kids lovin' it. Saturday will be the wee one's birthday party. It will have a backwards theme. Sunday will be a day of rest. I hope.

Christmas was lovely. Actually. I'm looking forward to getting back to normal though. A regular schedule and a sense of continuity will be nice. I enjoy time off but too much time off is too much like work. I think I'll do some laundry tomorrow. I have to keep grounded.

Fighting Words

Wow. I'm sore. I'm wired. I'm on edge. I'm in need of something. Wish I knew what it was. I just got home from Aikido. The Sensei actually seemed to take pleasure in my pain today. He applied some nerve techniques to me and told me to 'expect some brusing.' Each time he did it I felt conflicted. I could feel anger rise within me. At the same time I felt something more akin to gratitude. I wanted to thank him for the lesson...even though it hurt. Part of me also wanted to fall back on 'don't be so hard on me...I'm a beginner...I'm a girl' etc. Neither of these would fly though. I happen to be a girl that can bench press some of the dudes in the class. I'm also beyond the 'beginner' phase in that I am now paired with those who are greener than me so that I can practice teaching them. I quite enjoyed the end of today's session. I was working on a new technique with my Senpai. He decided to make it hard for me and wanted me to work for the pin. I did and I got him good. Sometimes brute strength + attitude prevail.

I'm sick. There. I said it. I've been fighting it off. It's a chest cold that has now made me hoarse. I'll still go to work tomorrow but at least I'll admit to being under the weather. I should be there because the theatre's rigging is being inspected. It's my ship. I should be there whenever someone gives it the once over. I should be fine. I just had 3 ibuprofen and an ounce of scotch. One extra strength Neo Citran to go and I'll be ready for bed.

I've been doing some management style training at work. Some of it seems a bit wacky (what colour am I?) but there are parts that actually make sense. Is it strange that I am adding Aikido philosphy to it?
ie. instead of controlling one's team, one should create a sense of balance within the team and other such stuff. (really, the team would still be controlled and guided...just not so heavy handedly...use the energy of the team to get things done thereby using less energy oneself).

I really have to stay away from hard drugs. My obsessive nature would surely get me into trouble.