I Believe

Another day another ... day. It wasn't a bad day at work. I trained a sound tech on lights. This fellow has been working for me for a couple of months. I think he has a lot of potential. Unlike some wanna be technicians he acts more than talks. All he needs is a bit more confidence and he'll be great.

I went out the other night after aikido. (pause now and take a deep breath of respect for the beloved aikido and senpai) As I was getting into my car a fellow asked me if I could give him a ride. He opened his coat to reveal a puppy. I was instantly conflicted. One shouldn't give rides to strangers. Especially dodgy looking fellows wearing bandanas with long hair in neighbourhoods known to be on the rough side. But, he had a puppy. And I don't like the feeling of being fearful. He also seemed earnest in that 'tough guy not so tough' way. He had a puppy. Nevertheless, I think I surprised both of us when I said 'sure, hop in.' It was snowing huge Christmas time flakes. The puppy was 8 weeks old. Could the scene be more Christmas spirity? He said that he wished he could do something for me in return. I told him to just pass it along. 'Like Karma' he said. 'Exactly,' I replied. He got the puppy from a man on the street. The man came up to him and asked 'Hey, do you want a puppy?' When he had said yes, the man gave him the puppy along with a bag of food. I dropped him and his puppy off at his door. The puppy's name was Maggie. His was Eddie. He was going to be working on a roof the next day. I told him to take care and remember to wear a harness. It was a brief encounter. I'm glad I was there to help and give a ride.

Last week, my girl had a birthday party to go to. The boy and I decided to catch the Santa Claus parade. We dropped the girl off at the bowling lanes and went for a slice of pizza. Then we went in search of Santa. Of course, we missed the parade. Traffic was horrible and by the time I found a place to park, the parade was over. We decided to go for a walk anyway. We crossed the canal on a culvert. We then crossed the road and made our way to the place where the parade was being dismantled. We got there just in time to see Santa come down from his sled. The boy ran over and when asked by the big man himself what he wanted for Christmas, the boy replied 'I would like a magic Christmas sleigh bell.' (for those not 'in the know' the boy was referring to the 'Polar Express.') Santa didn't quite 'get it' either and said 'ho ho ho...remember to add it to your list.' The boy and I kept walking and found a huge pile of snow -- scraping from the nearby hockey rink. I told the boy that Santa must have brought this snow from the North Pole. After a good snowball fight we went into an adjoining building. This building was hosting a huge toy sale. I told the boy that Santa must have brought along one of his warehouses.

When we finally got home it seemed that both children had had very good days. The girl had had a wonderful time bowling. The birthday girl's mother commented to me on how well behaved and polite my wee one was. When I complemented her about it in the car she said 'oh yes mommy. I was polite. I said excuse me after every burp.'

The magic of the day wasn't over yet. My brother came for a visit that night. He brought with him some boxes that he had had with him since the summer. Boxes that he was supposed to deliver to us from my dad and uncle & aunt. I finally got him to bring them over by bribing him with a chicken dinner. When I opened the first box, there lying on the top of some hand me down clothes, was a magic Christmas sleigh bell. The boy's eyes opened wide. He asked me in a hushed tone if I could hear it ring.

'Yes,' I said. 'I believe.'

A Picture May Be Worth 1000 Words But It Won't Make Up For Lost Time

A wordy title but something I just had to get off my chest. My ex--let him from here on in be known as xman--isn't around much. He's busy. I don't mind for myself. I'm busy too. What with my job and being a single mom and all. When he does call it's beginning to feel more and more like an intrusion. Necessary because of his previous donation of sperm but still an intrusion. I wish I could understand where he's coming from but, as it has been explained to me by one of his friends no less, xman is currently existing in an alternative reality. He's living the dream. The dream in a non existant not real non place.

Yet he wants pictures of the kids. I won't begrudge him pictures. Once I can afford to get some developed I'll be sure to pass some along. These are pictures that I have taken. I've taken these pictures because I've been here. Here with the kids. Taking pictures of the kids. Along with caring for the kids, raising the kids, feeding the kids, holding the kids, talking with the kids, learning from the kids ... get the point?

I'm with the kids. During my most recent conversation with xman his response to my question 'when do you want to see the kids' was: 'I don't know. I have no idea. I'm very busy right now. With work. With trying to get my car fixed. I don't know.'

I guess I should purchase some more film.

Checks and Balances

"I've been talking to some people who you call your friends,
and it seems to me there's a means to an end
They don't care anymore..."

Thank you P. Collins. Thank you Mr. O'C.

And so it goes. Tonight will be the first night that the wee ones will not be residing with me. The house will be empty. They are having a 'sleep over' at J's. I feel at odds. I want them to be with J. He has not spent a whole lot of time with them and that's not good -- for oh so many reasons. Reasons which, to any sane and functional human being are blatantly obvious so I won't go into detail. Those who can't think of any reasons are probably drinking from the same tap as ... well, why name names eh?

I also feel caged. Trapped. On edge. Ready at a moment's notice to jump up and fight. I dropped them off and drove away. I left them smiling. I'll pick them up tomorrow at 1pm. I miss them more than can be imagined. The word 'miss' isn't correct. It would be like having a leg removed and saying "I miss my leg." A part of me is away. I am not whole. People tell me I'll get used to this???? It's not that I fear for the wee ones in any way. I would not have dropped them off. I would not have driven away. They were smiling. They'll have a wonderful time. It will be a holiday. A holiday from reality to a certain extent. A holiday from real life. Much the same as is being had by ... but again, are names important?

I drove off to see a friend. I needed a shoulder. Like a homing pigeon I found someone who I needed to see. He understood. He understands what matters most. The wee ones. He understands that as much as I want to, I can't protect them from everything. That they will need to go through things and figure stuff out for themselves. He understands that I feel rage, and hurt, and sorrow, and fear. My Id is raw and visible.

I'm off balance. Out of whack.

I had an epiphany during my last Aikido class. I realized that it hasn't been control that I have been after. It's balance. When faced with new situations, one immediately attempts to regain a sense of balance. Although I know that balance will return to me I am scrambling right now. Clutching at air. At ideas. At words. At work. At anything that will bring me calm. Slow down my heart. Unclench my fists. Anything that will let me carry on. To carry on not as if nothing has happened. To carry on, instead, in spite of everything that is happening.