Choices

It's not that I'm complaining or anything but... After I put the kids to bed and settle down for the evening the choices of reading or television or cleaning or other chores and tasks that I haven't gotten to yet for whatever reason ... Well, these choices are starting to feel like I'm just putting in time. I begin to wonder and explore within myself why I am doing anything at all. I sit and stare into space and contemplate lonliness. My lonliness. I can't call anyone cuz what is there to say really? 'Hello, can you come over...I'm lonely.' Unfortunately, I really don't have people around me who are even close to being in the same boat. They have their own lives to live. I hear the kids giggling upstairs and I do my requisite 'get to bed you bums' but even as the words escape my lips I wonder if they will be the last words I utter out loud for the day. It's not that I had a lot of conversations with J. Especially during this past year. It's just that at least there was another big person around. Someone to share this space. Someone who I thought cared. To find out that he didn't...that he was probably just putting in time with me, well...
So I sit. And I think. And I feel. And I hope for a chance at more human contact tomorrow. And I count my blessings. And I breathe deeply until the rising panic subsides. I'll be ok. I can do this. What choice do I have?