A Birthday Message

It's my little brother's birthday today. I hope he is having a good day. I'm not entirely sure where he is. I know the town but nothing more really. He decided to take a break from family. Makes a lot of sense to me. I've done that in the past...not for so long but, I wasn't home enough in the first place. I close my eyes and see him wandering off with his friend as they discuss how to make a movie (they are in grade 3 in this image) and I also see him reenacting for me the second Star Wars Movie in the back yard...so well that when I finally got to see it, I felt that I was watching a re run. We played legos together. He would push me in the wagon (his turn would be next....I promise!) around the yard...swerving deftly around trees and avoiding the garden. He's a nice person. A bit odd. Slightly melodramatic. Views Marvin the paranoid robot as, perhaps, too much of a role model. He got me my first Leonard Cohen tape. He made me a chain mail garter. He has always been unapologetically himself. He has his demons but, they haven't bested him yet. He used to write me poetry written on donut shop napkins. He would bike over vodka to me when I was at a friend's house. He would carry our beer into the underages clubs. My friend S and I drove him to the hospital when he broke his elbow. He didn't cry much. I cast him in his first ever theatrical role. He never seemed to grow out of the adolescent gronk stage. Inside his brain, a genius lurks. When I went to university, I left him behind. I dream of him sometimes. Sometimes they are nightmares and I wake up afraid...for him. But, lately when I think of him I feel that he is ok. I miss him. I love him. and just want to wish him a happy birthday.

This ain't a list for Santa Claus

Seriously,
Why should I spend my valuable time making lists of things to do for a person who should damn well know by now what needs to be done. Does it really take a rocket scientist to see that:
1) if there is dust on stuff, it should be wiped off;
2) if there are dishes in the sink, they should be washed;
3) if there are dishes dried on the rack, they should be put away;
4) if there is crud on the floor, it should be swept up or wiped up;
5) if the kids' rooms are too messy, they should be cleaned up (sometimes they need a hand);
6) if there are full laundry bags, laundry should be done (this includes washing, drying, folding and putting away);
7) supper is eaten every day...plan for it!!
8) if food gets eaten, we may need more...check and make a list
9) if stuff is broken, try to fix it;
10) if the cat box has crap or piss in it, it should be cleaned out.

This is but a start. I couldn't help myself. It looks something like a list. Does holding one's breath and turning blue help?

Baby Steps

Ok. When I was pregnant I really had no idea what I was getting myself into. Does anyone their first time around? But, throughout and after the process of growing the kids inside of me and then expelling them, I have come to question certain societal mores that are, for some reason, not questioned enough. I "found out" about my pregnancy by the age old method of peeing on a stick. Well, I kind of had an idea before the stick but, waiting for the stick to show its lines provided me with enough time to chain smoke a half pack of cigarettes. I was determined to smoke until I could no longer enjoy a drag without feeing officially guilty for harming my unborn child. So, J and I looked at the stick and said 'yippee' we're having a baby. We left it like that for a couple weeks. (and yes...I did enjoy the occasional drag...but my body soon told me to stop...it wasn't guilt...just plain 'ol nausea).

Approximately two weeks later my leg started getting sore. It was the wrong kind of sore. Many years before, I had a blood clot in my leg. This felt remarkably similar. I called J away from work to drive me to emerg. This was on a Friday evening. Well, after waiting for 4 hours (I also puked a couple times while waiting), I was brought behind a curtain to be informed that they had no way to be sure I had a clot but such and such specialist said that just in case, I needed to have a needle. Ok, I said. Then I was told to lift my shirt. "In my belly?" I asked? Yup. In my belly. "But, I'm pregnant!" I was then told that I didn't have official proof of my condition...you see, I had merely pee'd on a stick...I hadn't been diagnosed by a doctor and, besides "we have to treat the mommy before the baby!" I felt sick and sicker as the needle was jammed into the flesh under my belly button. I really don't mean to gross anyone out but, I think it's an interesting tale to tell. So, I was given a slip of paper to have an ultra sound done to my leg the next day.

Hospitals on the weekend are dark and dreary places. J and I walked down the long and dimly lit corridor to where the ultrasounds took place. A young student did the test. The pain in my leg was in my calf. He checked my thigh. I told him where the pain was. He told me that it wasn't statistically relevant. He didn't find any clots. I was told to return on Monday for a retest 'just in case.' My leg still hurt but I was getting tired of this. Nevertheless, I returned on Monday. After the test I was told to take my results upstairs right away. I was also told not to walk. Seems I had 5 separate clots and one had moved above my knee. Ok. Fine. I went upstairs and became a part of a study for pregnant people with clots. I would have to give myself injections in my belly throughout my pregnancy--once or twice a day--and, when my belly got too big for the shots, I would have to put the needles in my thighs. One last thing, however. They needed proof that I was pregnant. My word and the stick didn't work. Upstairs I went to get another ultrasound. It was here that J and I found out that we were expecting twins. I was then told that I couldn't have a midwife and that I was considered a high-risk pregnancy and would need to come in for regular exams and such under the supervision of specialists.

I won't go into too much detail now but, some of the things I discovered are:
1) ultrasounds don't seem all that useful. measurements were taken each time to determine whether or not the babies were growing alright but...to me, my belly kind of gave that away. I wasn't too interested in knowing the sex of my children...besides...I already knew (in a different way) that I was carrying a boy and a girl. Ask J, he'll tell you that I'm telling the truth. I think ultrasounds are more for statistics and parents peace of mind then for any real medically sound reason.
2) ultrasounds tended to add to stress. the babies in my belly didn't like to be prodded and let me know. I didn't really need to know that one of them had a slower heart rate that then switched to the other one the next time around....things like that kinda freaked me out.
3) nurses like to make sure you have your vitamins...which I didn't take cuz they made my stomach upset. I just ate the foods that I wanted...that seemed to do the trick...and then lied to the nurses so I wouldn't be made to feel guilty
4) J and I avoided tests for such things as downes and the like. We didn't want to know because seriously, there wasn't anything that we would do anyway.
4.5) Student docs like to perform even more unnecessary tests to fill their roster of 'things I can do now!'
5) Weight gain and loss seemed to become the business of other people but, I was still able to function and carry on normally. I felt good. That's what counted. 168lbs baby!!
6) Daily injections suck. They really do.
7) I understand that seeing the docs was preventative but, really, looking back, I know I would have been fine and perhaps less stressed, if I had seen less of them.
7.5) Scheduling inductions and c-sections for the sake of following a schedule is fucked.
8) When push comes to shove in delivery, if your doc is off, your doc is off. There will be someone else there to deliver the kid. I don't know the name of the woman who delivered mine. It really didn't matter at that point who was down there.
8.5) The machine that is strapped to you once an hour to check on your contractions is stupid...J would be watching the machine to let me know when I was having a contraction and I would then say 'no shit sherlock' from between grit teeth.
9) It's not a great idea to puke on a nurse...she may deny you water.
9.5) Smuggling in coffee is easier if your partner is an addict as well.
10) Nurses will wake you and your children up so that you can feed on a schedule...geeesh...and try and make you feel bad for wanting to sleep.
11) It's only at home where I could begin to feel comfortable with my new family...away from poking and prodding.

There are things I wish I had said and did differently. I went in not knowing and was unprepared. Not so much with the pregnancy. That all came together. I was unprepared with how systemized the process of child birth had become. Poking and prodding and testing were the norm. At times, I felt more like a cyborg than a human being. I don't understand why things are like this. I hope that people will begin to rebel against this. Challenge this new 'norm' and realize that it is their body--their choice. Don't let a system make you question what you know is true...for you.

We Are All Responsible

It takes a village. Yup. We've all heard it. Some actually believe it. I'm one of those believers. Even though, at times, it seemingly would make more sense to hole oneself up against the onslaught of narrow mindedness, self-absorption, arrogance and ineptitude on a multitude of levels that pervade our existences, it does take a village. Put another way, it takes all kinds. And, as it takes all kinds, one's responsibility increases. We become responsible for each other. We must look out for one another. We must accept one another regardless -- let's face it, we all have flaws eh? We really ought to stop nit picking and looking for reasons to discriminate and sigh a collective sigh of 'ok then...such and such is happening...what can be done? who is available to do something? can I do anything to help? ' and then we should just roll up our collective sleaves and get on with it. No person is an island. Each choice we make has consequences...ripples...like ice cream. I have faith that all will be sorted out. I'll accept some people's choice to disregard faith and put it in a storage box filled with other 'I can't believe people used to believe that!' non-sense. I hope to not be so arrogant as to decide that people's beliefs can be so callously discredited but, to those that do this, remember that you don't exist outside of the village. No matter how you may try. One also has to try to not allow the actions or non-actions of others to cause one disappointment. It's unfair to put so much weight on the actions of another. The only one you have control over is yourself. We have free will. We make choices. We have to live with them within the context of each other. I am trying to teach my children to enjoy the gifts that each day brings...not to dwell on perceived slights or what hasn't worked out as planned. I think they get it. More readily then I. But, I've made my choice. I voted yesterday. And, I'll live with the consequences. And add my support to the creation of a more tolerant and accepting world.

Are your ears burning?

As I was driving into work this frigid morning, a 'news' item came on the radio that disturbed me. Apparently, a woman in Sweden had a spider living in her ear. It had crawled up (supposedly while she slept) and spun its web. She experienced a slight hearing loss and then began to hear a scratching sound. She went to the drugstore and got some stuff to flush out her ears. When she did this, the spider and its web came tumbling out. The spider, unharmed, walked off non-plussed. My ears feel funny now.

A History of Smoking (Part IV)

I just realized that I have been an official non-smoker for over a year. The anniversary, however, passed me by without notice. I realize that I am jumping ahead in my telling of this smoking tale. But, aren't stories that fall out of sequence more interesting? More thought-provoking? Instead of a series of events -- typical block buster mind fodder -- a tale that is interwoven on various levels, slipping, like smoke itself, between cracks of understanding works, for me at least, to provide a more satisfying literary meal. Ok. I agree. Enough. So, as I was saying, I have been a non-smoker for over a year. My clothes smell better. I have more money in my pocket. I can climb stairs without wheezing. I can sleep through an entire night without waking up mid-chest crunching hack. My boogers are no longer black. I can spend more time with my children playing games without having to duck out for a quick puff. All in all, a pretty good deal. Side effects? Yes. A few. My husband who has not yet quit must deal with my inability to kiss him after coming in from a quick smoke. My nose stuffs up horribly if he comes to bed without showering first. I get cravings and mood swings if I am around smoke for any period of time. These, however, are a relatively small price to pay. I feel better and am surprised that I can go so long without even thinking about cigarettes when there was a time when I would go into a cold sweat if I knew I only had 2 left in my pack. Geesh. I'll leave the actual process of quitting for another post. Gotta leave a trailer eh? Suffice it to say that I am celebrating a belated happy new life as a non smoker day. When I get home, I'll toast it proper with a shot of another potential addiction.

Mundane Thoughts On The Way To Work

1) Damn, looks like I'm going to be late;
2) What's S singing? Sounds like Green Day
3) Yup, it is Green Day -- 'Wake Me Up Before September Ends' -- that's my girl
4) I won't be too late
5) Traffic is better than I thought.
6) I have a meeting today at 10? or is it 10:30?
7) Wonder if A is awake yet. Hope he's feeling better
8) Weird how he puked and then fell asleep immediately...falling into it. J and I made a good 'change the pukey kid' team
9) Hope the highway is good for my mom and d. Talk about the highway. A Northern thing. It was nice to see them. And short visits are good
10) Will the tiles be finished in the office? Maybe I could set up C's office for him. He's sick today too.
11) Ok. S has been dropped off. They'll make A a card at daycare today. Cute
12) Lots of NDP signs in this neighbourhood. To be expected. The conservatives scare me. But...they too will pass. Like bad gas.
13) Women in BC are donating breast milk to the underprivileged. I really don't know how I feel about this. Seems wrong to me on some level. And icky.
14) Ok buddy. If you are such a rush then pass me.
15) Nice. You passed me in order to stop. See? It wasn't my fault that the traffic is slow. grrrrr
16) Inner peace...inner peace...inner peace.
17) Hmmmm....wonder if he'd like to drag?
18) I see the university in the horizen
19) S wants to fly with Santa Claus
20) Feel kinda bad for the Russian team...the goal was good. They still got smoked however.
21) Hey...not late. The parking around here is stupid.
22) I have to open up this morning. First class is at 8:30am. Who the hell would book a class for 8:30am on a Friday morning? Who would go? I'd skip. Geeeesh. Just watch though...when I get there, there will be about 100 kids in the lobby eager to rush the theatre for a seat. AT 8:00AM!!! I don't think I was ever early for a class ever. Not to sit in it anyway. What about a smoke? What about a coffee? A quick chat? Students these days are weird.
23) I should delay openning until 8:25am...get me a coffee first. Weird how something like that sounds subversive.

Calm After/Before the Storm?

The flood waters have abated and I feel strangely at peace. The holiday was a good one. Funny how leaving town for even a short period of time makes the actual time off seem longer. Well, it did for me at any rate. It is also very nice to be back home. Even sitting at my desk feels better. I needed the break. Now I have to work on keeping this sense of serenity...of calm. My work area was left relatively unscathed by the flooding. My boss needs to get his office redone. And the hallway tiles all need to be replaced. Things will look and feel cleaner and more fresh however. I feel that my faux pas has only expedited the necessary. J is now a union man. Life is carrying on as it should. Until the next bomb drops.