Public Spaces

When I returned home from work yesterday, I walked into laundry in piles all over the dining room, the cats pouncing on me as a food source, breakfast dishes piled in sink, no food taken out of the freezer to thaw for dinner, cat piss and shit piled in the litter boxes and...no sign of J. I tried his cell. No response. I tried again. And again. I knew what he was doing. You see I had actually talked to him in the afternoon and he said that he was over at 'Bruce's.' This only meant one thing. He was enjoying a mid summer, mid afternoon piss up. So be it. But, it was getting close to the time to pick up the kids and, there was quite a lot of house work to be done and there was dinner that needed to be created. Back in the pre kids days, dinner could be skipped on any day...not now. So, I left a message on his cell. 'Are you going to pick up the kids?' He responded with a text message ... 'no.' I lost it.

The funny thing about cell phones, pagers and the like is that although they appear to bring people closer and more in touch, they seem to have the opposite effect. When one is separated from another without any technological aids, it is accepted that one will have to wait in order to have contact. With these 'aids' however, waiting is more painful. The one being called can turn off the phone...refuse to answer...create a real or imagined snub. It drives me crazy. If the phone is answered, it is much easier to lie to the person on the other side...trust and truth become warped concepts...

Anyway, I finally got in touch with him. He said he'd meet me at the daycare. I saw him on the road. He was doing his best to walk straight and be friendly. Perhaps I should have been more accepting? I couldn't. I asked him to wait outside. I tried my best to not cry. We finally got home and the bitching began. Thing is, I know I've been bitchy lately. The difference between me and J when he has been drinking is that he is mean. Mean people suck. (I still want that bumper sticker). I made a decision...spend an evening of tension hell with a smelly inebriated man in a small humid apartment or, bugger off. I called his mom and told her that her son was drunk and the kids and I would be coming over for dinner. So, very much like scenes from the movies...I got the kids in the car and we went to 'mother's' (in law).

Now please note that I do not want this to read like a J - slam. I love him. He does stupid and hurtful things at times...but, overall, he tries. He is a great father, compassionate guy and my best friend. This whole scene, however, got me thinking about public and private spaces. I find it funny that in a society/culture where borders and boundaries are (supposedly) being stretched, taboos are broken, and everything 'seems to go' once again, like with cell phones, the opposite seems to be true. Perceived 'freedoms' are ultimately illusions that create distance ... or...am I wrong to think that freedom/equality can't happen unless issues are faced head on? Discussed, examined, shouted and cried and laughed over? Silence is only golden for the status quo.

When I arrived at J's mom's, I provided a brief outline of events to his sister...she nodded with a 'well, he was stupid,' and we both shrugged. His mom brought out beer for the three of us. (can't beat 'em may as well join 'em?) I did my best to ignore the bottle and ended up not drinking it. I just wanted all my wits with me...plus...I didn't want to lose it in front of the kids. There's a whole lot of undertones cruising around at his mom's but, suffice it to say (for now) that we ate, kids had fun, and we all returned home unscathed. J had been crashed on the couch. He woke in time to help tuck the kids into bed. Then we snapped at each other again (I mentioned something along the lines that I would be better off with him gone) and he took off for 'Bruce's.' I spent the evening packing. 'Idle hands make ?????'

Please note that undertones is an understatement but, having a brief acquaintance with other families and a deeper knowledge of my own, the weird dynamics and basic fucked uppedness of families is not something I have the time nor patience to get into here.

Ok, I tried to call J around 11...and then 11:30 ... can't help it...have I mentioned that cell phones drive me crazy? J finally answered...he would be home 'soon.' He actually made it home before midnight and I met him on the front porch (quick side line here...J quit smoking about a week ago...and even through all of this stupidity...he didn't light up...hurray!) J proceeded to tell me that I had pissed him off greatly...by calling his mom...telling her that he was drunk...taking the kids and that if I ever dared do anything like that again, he'd be gone. Just after that, our upstairs neighbour came home...he and J started talking. Interesting, I thought. Both know that I'm here...both know that I'm upset...both are avoiding any dialogue with me at all costs. J even mentioned how I would bring the car home for him the next day so he and the neighbour could go biking?!

Ok...for me this was verrrryyyy interesting. First, that J was most upset, not at my telling him that I was better off without him and other shit to the same e/affect...but...that I had told someone from the outside of our 'sphere.' He even told me that what happened at home should stay at home--maybe if we lived in Vegas but...sheesh. I had 'gone public' with what had happened. Worse yet? I had gone public with his mom. Interesting still was that his mom did her best to avoid the topic. Her only comments were a) in the action of providing a beer; and b) saying 'it was good for you to be here, even though the circumstances that brought you here may not have been' as we were packing up to go. Then there is our neighbour. I realize that there is an unspoken rule out there that people are not to get involved with each other...It's fascinating and scary at the same time. I wonder if he would have spoken up if I had had a bruise forming on my cheek or if blood had been slowly dripping from my nose...as weird as it sounds...to me at least...I doubt that he would have done anything. We watch t.v. and movies and witness violence and sexual innuendo ...so called 'adult situations' yet...the real adult situations are avoided on a daily basis. The private sphere...the adult world remains, for the most part 'untouchable.' We watch through lens after lens...much like an Agoyan film...and are pushed further and further from each other....voyeurs to our own selves.

I told J that I would be writing about this...he is ok with it ... I guess...maybe he's just saying that out of...???? In any case, I am glad that I can write this. (although last night, he went on the computer and stayed on quite late...then turned off the machine so as to not have me write last night...it was good for me to think about things with a bit more time behind me). I wonder if through the writing of this private/public blog in this private/public sphere that perhaps another crack may begin to form in the wall separating the two. Who knows? I'm just glad to get this off my chest.