A Relationship Thing

Sunday. Slept in. Nothing really to do today except shower, laundry, groceries, water plants, sweep and wait for the return of my children. A busy weekend up til now to be sure. Three shows. Each with their own quirks but overall filled with delightful people. Went out for drinks with a gf last night. Saw an old friend who has recently been married. He stood up with me as a bridesmaid when I was married. Prior to that we had an on again off again 'thing.' He had called me a 'pain in the ass.' He had once asked me as we were both heading up the stairs to his apartment what I was going to do when he found a real girlfriend. I replied that I would find myself a real boyfriend. The next night I met Xman. After the birth of the children I lost touch with him. Family responsibilities kept me at home. Well, not just the responsibilities. I loved being at home. Being in a family.

People come and people go. When they reenter one's life I get the idea that there is something more to the relationships overall. These people who are in and out of my life are extraordinarily special.

I have just ended another 'thing' with another special person. He also called me 'a pain in the ass.' This 'thing' ended with hurt and anger. Accusations and name calling. According to him, I caused him to be rude to me. I am therefore a rude person. I know I'm pushy. Head strong. I was called rude and insensitive. Probably. I can see it. I can also see that these qualities have allowed me to survive. I work in an industry where being acquiescent and nice must be tempered with an ability to say 'no' regardless of who's feelings might be hurt. I work at saying 'no' in a nice way but this is not always possible. It's also a gender thing (what isn't?) and being a woman in a man's world comes with its own issues as one tries to navigate an unfamiliar and dangerous terrain.

After telling me that he wanted solitude and was not going to be involved with anyone he has started a relationship. I saw it on my facebook homepage. (Facebook is a whole other topic!) Yes it hurt. It caused me to question the 'thing' we had. What we had wasn't a relationship. It was a 'thing.' An amorphous undefined thing. Same type of thing as I had had with the fellow I saw last night. I questioned what this particular 'thing' was. This questioning caused more anger. More hurt. I questioned his intent. I questioned mine. Thing is, even though I knew from the outset that this 'thing' could not ever be more then a 'thing' I knew that it wasn't enough. So did he. Even though we both tried, at the end of the day a 'thing' is just a 'thing.'

What is the difference between a thing and a relationship? I don't know if it can be explained. If one is being honest, the difference is very obvious. One knows the difference. It's more of a feeling however then something that can be expressed in words. Can 'things' become relationships? I don't think so. Does this mean that one might not wish that they could? No. That's where the problems arise. Fervently wishing that things could be different but knowing full well that they can't. One tries to make the 'thing' into something else. Not wanting to lose the good part of the 'thing.' 'Things' must end though and usually end with unsettling feelings. Since the 'thing' can never really be defined, when it ends, one is at a loss as to what and how to feel about it. I don't think a 'thing' is less important then a relationship. 'Things' are necessary. Why? I'm not exactly sure. For myself, 'things' have coincided with periods of personal growth. I don't regret the 'things' I have had. Some of my fondest memories have arisen out from 'things.' Strange that I don't harbour any ill will for those I have had 'things' with but do tend to feel more antipathy toward those with whom I have had relationships.

Some past 'things' I have had have grown into friendships. The fellow I saw last night is one such person. We instantly hugged and bridged the time and distance that had separated us. Time has been required before this could occur. What made the 'thing' the 'thing' has had to fade before anything like a friendship can be allowed to grow. Will this latest 'thing' fade and grow into a friendship? Hard to say. Maybe. Maybe not. When put in the situation where I find myself involved in another 'thing' will I call a halt to it as soon as I realize what it is? Probably not. Interactions between people are complicated. Nothing is ever black and white. Reason, logic, emotions, spirits, personalities, past baggage, personal circumstances, and the like make most relations between folk difficult to say the least.

Why persist? For those moments of beauty. The joy that can only come when a moment of beauty is shared. And we realize that despite everything, we are not alone.