Interesting class last night. One moment brought to the forefront an issue that lately has been swirling around in my brain. Ok. Not an issue but a lens through which, after blowing on it and wiping away extraneous environmental and social crud and and then peering through, revealed a beautifully laid bare illustration of some of the crap that one has to go through to be a functional woman in a dude's world.
We were practicing a move wherein the attacker is thrown backwards after being pushed in the chest. I attacked and was pushed back. Sensei stopped to make a point. The fella that pushed me was told to 'be careful when practicing with a woman' so as to not, I inferred, hit the squishy bits on my torso. He should 'ask first' before touching me but even better should alter his technique so as to not risk touching/damaging? my breasts. (The squishy bits were not named but were merely alluded to. To name them I guess posed a further danger to my fragile self?).
Huh. First off. When I enter the dojo and step onto the mat I am giving implicit and explicit consent to have my body pushed, pulled, pinned and thrown. You don't have to ask me special permission cuz I have tits just as I don't expect to ask the dudes if it's ok to push, pull, pin or throw them. It's a martial arts class. Physical contact is part of the program.
Now, in class, I won't go around and punch or kick a dude in his 'junk' (that would be rude) but that does not stop us all from learning techniques that, if a dude puts his genitalia in harm's way the potential for it getting punched or kicked is pointed out. Many positions are explained in such a way as to tell the dudes to protect their valuable assets. Instead of telling my attacker to avoid my breasts, why not show me how to better protect them (ya, they are sensitive to being hit as is my face) and that way we can each learn to practice on a more even keel. Each body is different, male or female, and practicing with various sizes, abilities, sexes is a privilege. The attacker and receiver must each learn to protect themselves from being hurt. Ultimately, it becomes a personal responsibility. Protect your own body.
If we are practicing and you are stronger then me or have more experience, then yes, pull your punches. I will also pull mine if I am practicing with someone weaker or with less experience than myself. It is a sign of respect. Respect for the human being. It is also a part of a good practice. We learn from those more and less experienced then ourselves. If I get hurt, I look to myself to see what I had done to not better protect myself. If I hurt someone else I look to see how I could prevent that in the future. The point of the practice is not to disable someone but to learn the techniques. Ok. There are times when people are arseholes and go out to cause pain. They aren't fun to practice with but face it, if one is going to be attacked on the street is the attacker going to watch out for your delicate womanly/manly bits? Isn't it best to learn to protect oneself from all manner of attack?
Treat me like a human being and I will return the favour.
But wait, there's more! I have been so guilty this past while of complicity. Trying to play and be accepted in this dudely world where because I have tits I am, whether I like it or not (and I don't) shoved into the sex class. I am ashamed to say that I once convinced myself that being called 'fuckable' was a compliment. I listened in silence (actually my mind was playing the 'I Dream of Genie' soundtrack on full volume) as I hung out with dudes who claimed a distrust of woman because of their inherent duality and that women who expressed interest in some of these dudes were immediately labelled as prostitutes/whores cuz they couldn't possibly be out dancing at a bar without an ulterior motive. This unspoken motive was to somehow/someway screw said dudes of money, self respect or both. Geesh.
When I dared speak up I was told that my reaction was 'not intended.' Huh? Ok. One's intentions may be important but even if you don't intend to hurt someone and you end up hurting someone you have hurt someone. The hurt has been done. I will accept that I need to learn to protect myself from being hurt as I learn to protect myself physically in class. I'm not quite sure, in cases like this, how this may be accomplished. I could ignore the words/vitriolic/misogynistic sentiment, develop a thicker skin or even 'lighten up' but that just adds to my complicity. I could speak out and be beaten down time and time again for not buying into the dude perspective but this gets tiring.
In life we are taught to pick/choose our battles wisely. It doesn't make sense to kill your spirit over something that, at this time, may be unwinnable if you are left with nothing with which to carry on. At the same time, perhaps I have been seeing my attackers as somehow weaker or less experienced then me and have been treating them with an undue (and in keeping with dude centric compliance), maternal/nurturing gentleness. There are times, even in class, when a more experienced person will 'teach a lesson' to a less experienced one by going a wee bit harder/more martial in order to illustrate where the technique could lead.
Perhaps, it's time for me to stop pulling my punches.
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