Becoming more and more silent. Talking when being talked to. Answering questions. No longer really wanting to offer much. A bit, yes but offering nothing to put me out there.
Kidlings started gymnastics again this morning. Home for lunch and then I went off to class. Class went well? I don't know. Still not feeling the joy. Hope it returns again one day. Doing my best not to feel at all really. Home from class...hung out and played then made dinner. Hotdogs and Kraft dinner. Kids were excited. I make my hotdogs and Kraft dinner in a bit of a gourmet style. Why not eh? Fry up some onions, add chopped up hotdogs, add green beans, baby tomatoes, spices and then add the cooked Kraft dinner to the mix. Kids suggested that since it was such a good meal we should have candles. Why not? It was lovely. Talked about how they were as babies. Showed them a 'trick' as I caught the candle flame in my fist (they know not to try it). Giggled. Had fudge for dessert.
Yes this is boring. Feeling a bit less than inspired. Will stay in tonight. Another Saturday night. I don't want to go out alone again. I've tried. It sucks. Well...it doesn't really suck but I come home and feel unaccomplished and more lonely then when I left.
What I miss most? Someone to do nothing with. But the kids are great. And we had a candle light dinner. And I guess I really don't have much to complain about at all. So be it.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
And She Put on a Happy Face
Incredible really. The ability to carry on. I sit at my desk and answer emails with a 'cheers' and 'thank you' as tears roll down my face. I get up, wash my face and meet with new clients on the stage and provide advice, encouragement and tell them all that I'm looking forward to their events. And I am. I love the people who enter my theatre. Theatre of the absurd. All the while I know I should be counting my blessings. I have a good job. Am in relative good health. My children are brilliant, kind and wise. So why the tears? Damned if I know. Kinda feel like a magazine subscription that has not been renewed. Kinda feel discarded. Kinda feel as worthwhile as a dried up glue stick. Kinda feel like I wish I didn't feel anymore. But this is just maudlin.
My dad broke his ankle. He was walking and misjudged a step. Innocuous eh? But weeks before he had been complaining about his medication. It made him dizzy. Not himself. I remember thinking 'what will it take before his doctors take notice? Will he need to pass out on the street?' I got a phone call last month to say that he had passed out on a sidewalk while watching a parade. His medication was not changed even though the doctor at emergency told him he should. His regular doctor just lessened his dosage. Now he 'misjudged' a step and is in a cast for 6 weeks.
I visited friends last week. Their cat had liver disease. The cat came up to me and actually told me that it knew it was going to die. As I looked at it I knew and I knew what it was telling me. He died. Another spirit set free.
My pending divorce is still pending. Even when it finally arrives I have come to realize that I will always be stuck with Xman. The father of my children. The connection, for 'better or for worse,' will be there until 'death do us part.'
A person whom I trusted, more than Xman really, to not bring me pain, has through no fault of their own really. Why the trust? I dunno. Because I felt they understood how fragile I was. How insecure. That I needed to grasp onto things beautiful with all my might because of the ugliness surrounding me. I was asked once how it was that I could seemingly make the best out of any situation? The answer? Because the alternative was unthinkable. Too dark. I wish I could feel anger but I can't...except at myself. I am my own worst enemy. I feel toxic. Don't come too close. You'll only get hurt.
Why am I writing this? To try and get some of this out. I won't talk to you about this. I won't trust in you enough to share. When you meet me on the street I may even be singing as I skip along. A light little ditty with a smile on my face.
My dad broke his ankle. He was walking and misjudged a step. Innocuous eh? But weeks before he had been complaining about his medication. It made him dizzy. Not himself. I remember thinking 'what will it take before his doctors take notice? Will he need to pass out on the street?' I got a phone call last month to say that he had passed out on a sidewalk while watching a parade. His medication was not changed even though the doctor at emergency told him he should. His regular doctor just lessened his dosage. Now he 'misjudged' a step and is in a cast for 6 weeks.
I visited friends last week. Their cat had liver disease. The cat came up to me and actually told me that it knew it was going to die. As I looked at it I knew and I knew what it was telling me. He died. Another spirit set free.
My pending divorce is still pending. Even when it finally arrives I have come to realize that I will always be stuck with Xman. The father of my children. The connection, for 'better or for worse,' will be there until 'death do us part.'
A person whom I trusted, more than Xman really, to not bring me pain, has through no fault of their own really. Why the trust? I dunno. Because I felt they understood how fragile I was. How insecure. That I needed to grasp onto things beautiful with all my might because of the ugliness surrounding me. I was asked once how it was that I could seemingly make the best out of any situation? The answer? Because the alternative was unthinkable. Too dark. I wish I could feel anger but I can't...except at myself. I am my own worst enemy. I feel toxic. Don't come too close. You'll only get hurt.
Why am I writing this? To try and get some of this out. I won't talk to you about this. I won't trust in you enough to share. When you meet me on the street I may even be singing as I skip along. A light little ditty with a smile on my face.
Monday, September 07, 2009
The Best and the Worst (or so I'm told)
Waiting for Xman to return the kidz. After the drama prior to this weekend he is going to drop them off himself and no longer demanding that I pick the kidz up at '5pm sharp.' Sigh. I work in theatre. I understand and get drama. I also realize how fake it is. I work behind the curtain and see the wizard bare on a daily basis.
Today I managed to can 12 jars of peaches and cleaned the upstairs bathroom. Yay for me. I spoke to my mother briefly on the phone but other than that I have been devoid of human contact except for the radio -- CBC of course. Haven't spent a day listening to the radio in ages. It's like I've been reunited with an old friend.
I'll be going to an Aikido seminar in Montreal next weekend. My mother is flying up on Thursday to watch the wee ones for me. I am no longer invited to travel with the group from my centre. Long story. Another drama. I'm so so so very tired of drama. I am not exactly sure where it is that I'll be staying but I'll figure something out. I may just end up driving there and back each day. Why not. Seems that I have an innate ability to, when I'm being myself, bring out the very best in folk and the very worst. I guess it's a talent? A gift?
Today I managed to can 12 jars of peaches and cleaned the upstairs bathroom. Yay for me. I spoke to my mother briefly on the phone but other than that I have been devoid of human contact except for the radio -- CBC of course. Haven't spent a day listening to the radio in ages. It's like I've been reunited with an old friend.
I'll be going to an Aikido seminar in Montreal next weekend. My mother is flying up on Thursday to watch the wee ones for me. I am no longer invited to travel with the group from my centre. Long story. Another drama. I'm so so so very tired of drama. I am not exactly sure where it is that I'll be staying but I'll figure something out. I may just end up driving there and back each day. Why not. Seems that I have an innate ability to, when I'm being myself, bring out the very best in folk and the very worst. I guess it's a talent? A gift?
I'm really not sure what I should be doing differently. I'm told to stop resisting. I'm told to not ever give 100% of myself. I should always hold something back. I'm told I'm greedy. I'm told I give too much. I'm told I try too hard. I'm told I don't try hard enough. I'm told I'm intelligent. I'm told I'm obtuse. I'm told I'm a good person. I'm told that I should work at becoming better. I'm told that I dictate right after I'm told exactly what to do. I'm told I write well. I'm told that words are worthless. I'm told that my intentions are obvious (even when I have no idea what it is that I am intending). I'm told that I'm strong enough to deal with all of this on my own and by myself. I'm told to make an effort to bring other people into my life. I'm told to move forward. I'm told to become still. I'm told to control myself. I'm told to let go.
I've had enough of being told. Is it too much to have y'all listen? Just for a moment?
I'm telling ya.
Sunday, September 06, 2009
Credit Where Credit is Due
So. Well then.
It's been a crazy couple of weeks fer sure. Work is great. Doing two jobs makes the days fly by. I'm getting a handle on the invoices and the contracts. Had 3 large shows last week. An East Indian dance troupe from Toronto came in. Lovely people. I got to be a 'tech' and fixed the electrical on a couple chandeliers. It wasn't hard but being the only one with the 'know how' on site to do it felt good. When I went in the next morning there was a case of beer and a gold leaf on my desk left in appreciation. Nice that some touring folk still follow the 'old school' ways.
The second show was a Mongolian Jazz group made up of some musicians from Mongolia mixed with Canadian jazz musicians who were touring Canada. The sound was beautiful and haunting. I love the sound of the urhu (2 string cello type instrument) and the male throat singing was incredible. I put on my chauffeur hat and whisked one of the musicians off to get food for the troupe after sound check. We had only 40 minutes but I got him to the shwarma shop and back in less than 1/2 hour.
The third show was a Christian rock worship event. It was a huge band but sound check went well and but for a small incident involving a faith leader stalker, all was good.
A couple management meetings rounded off any spare time I might have had.
Now it's the weekend and I'm kidless as the wee ones are with Xman. No shows in the theatre so I actually have the weekend off. I went to a band last night. What a difference a good sound engineer makes. I saw this same band the week before and the sound was horrible. Last night, however, the band was in excellent form and the sound was excellent. I went alone and enjoyed myself. It was a bit weird. The person who I had gone to events like this for the past year was there...also on his own. Not sure how I feel about things. I miss being able to babble on with this person but in a weird way, even when I was with him I was essentially alone. Being with him, however, kept other folk away. As it was, I was chatted up by a few other folk last night but really had no interest in them or what they were doing or who they were. It will be quite a while I think before I am ready to let anyone else behind the curtain.
Funny how one fella thought it was necessary to tell me that I shouldn't be there alone and that spending more than 10 min per day alone was a sign of a sick mind. He said this after I politely answered his questions but offered nothing more. When folk don't get what they want it seems they feel a need to immediately go on the attack and find fault. Ok. I'm in the wrong. I'll accept that. I've been in the wrong pretty much all my life. I'm used to it really. I will take full responsibility for you not being able to get from me what you want. Feel better now? Now just leave me alone and walk away knowing that you are the better person and although you made an effort to save/reform/rescue me from myself you can know in your heart and mind that I am too far gone and I will not be grabbing that life buoy of salvation that you have gallantly chucked at my head. If I drown it will not be your fault and if I manage to swim to shore feel free to take the credit.
It's been a crazy couple of weeks fer sure. Work is great. Doing two jobs makes the days fly by. I'm getting a handle on the invoices and the contracts. Had 3 large shows last week. An East Indian dance troupe from Toronto came in. Lovely people. I got to be a 'tech' and fixed the electrical on a couple chandeliers. It wasn't hard but being the only one with the 'know how' on site to do it felt good. When I went in the next morning there was a case of beer and a gold leaf on my desk left in appreciation. Nice that some touring folk still follow the 'old school' ways.
The second show was a Mongolian Jazz group made up of some musicians from Mongolia mixed with Canadian jazz musicians who were touring Canada. The sound was beautiful and haunting. I love the sound of the urhu (2 string cello type instrument) and the male throat singing was incredible. I put on my chauffeur hat and whisked one of the musicians off to get food for the troupe after sound check. We had only 40 minutes but I got him to the shwarma shop and back in less than 1/2 hour.
The third show was a Christian rock worship event. It was a huge band but sound check went well and but for a small incident involving a faith leader stalker, all was good.
A couple management meetings rounded off any spare time I might have had.
Now it's the weekend and I'm kidless as the wee ones are with Xman. No shows in the theatre so I actually have the weekend off. I went to a band last night. What a difference a good sound engineer makes. I saw this same band the week before and the sound was horrible. Last night, however, the band was in excellent form and the sound was excellent. I went alone and enjoyed myself. It was a bit weird. The person who I had gone to events like this for the past year was there...also on his own. Not sure how I feel about things. I miss being able to babble on with this person but in a weird way, even when I was with him I was essentially alone. Being with him, however, kept other folk away. As it was, I was chatted up by a few other folk last night but really had no interest in them or what they were doing or who they were. It will be quite a while I think before I am ready to let anyone else behind the curtain.
Funny how one fella thought it was necessary to tell me that I shouldn't be there alone and that spending more than 10 min per day alone was a sign of a sick mind. He said this after I politely answered his questions but offered nothing more. When folk don't get what they want it seems they feel a need to immediately go on the attack and find fault. Ok. I'm in the wrong. I'll accept that. I've been in the wrong pretty much all my life. I'm used to it really. I will take full responsibility for you not being able to get from me what you want. Feel better now? Now just leave me alone and walk away knowing that you are the better person and although you made an effort to save/reform/rescue me from myself you can know in your heart and mind that I am too far gone and I will not be grabbing that life buoy of salvation that you have gallantly chucked at my head. If I drown it will not be your fault and if I manage to swim to shore feel free to take the credit.
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