Is Your Mechanism Working?

Driving home from the kids' dance class today I felt on edge. Strange. A whoosh of heat came through me. My mind was wandering. Floating. Walls have come down and I'm picking through the rubble. I'm working on teasing out emotional knots that have accumlated over the past couple years. I thought I had dealt with most things but now realize that I had dealt with the external factors--kids, finances, loss of partner etc. The internal factors had been shunted aside. First things first. Now, I guess, is the time to start dealing with the other crud. The nitty gritty. The essence of who I am beyond what I have experienced. Been through.

Traffic slowed in front of me. A car was stalled. The woman in the car was leaning back with her head in her hands. Waiting. Traffic pulled around her and waited at a red light. I looked left. Another woman jumped out of her car and fussed with something in her trunk. When she moved on there was yet another woman out of her car. She was shaking her head. Her car had started to make a strange noise and she didn't want to continue. Her girl friend, driving in a car behind her, got out to help. I carried on on to the highway thinking 'that was strange.' I kept driving and my mind flew away again. I made it to the off ramp and faced another slow down. When I got to the corner there was another car sitting at an intersection. Another woman in the drivers seat. Stalled. Hazard lights blinking.

I continued home. I haven't stalled.

Icarus

So I reached out and touched the sun. And. And what? Of course I got burned. If only it were a flesh wound. I'll take a couple of days to lick my wounds. Add salve to my ego. And. And what? Continue. Of course.

You see. I needed to know. I already did. But I needed to be told. Straight from the horse's mouth. I was told. I was told that he couldn't. Not wouldn't. Couldn't. He went on for a bit. Explanatory circles. In the end, he had to go. "Ok," said I. "Cool," was his response. So clean. So neat. He hadn't been anything but himself. Sure. I get that. I hadn't been anything but myself. How could I be? How could he? I remember, however, the incident last year when one of my stafflings nearly fell through the ceiling. He had been told where to walk. He had been told to be careful. I was still responsible though. If he had been injured or killed my responsiblity would have been much more palpable. He wasn't hurt. I was still responsible. Life or death.

So.

At least I know I am capable of feeling. Capable of putting myself 'out there.' Not as scary as I thought really. Despite the outcome. The past few weeks were fun. I was happy. I don't know if I'll be quick to try again but I must take care. Take care not to sink. Too far down. He said that he used to try to fly. He keeps saying stuff like that. Stuff that resonates as truth inside of me. A reflection of myself. I'm hoping that I don't lose that part. That truth.

I too need to fly. If only to keep myself at arm's reach to the sun.

Caught You Looking

Mirrors mirrors on the walls . . .

Catching fleeting glimpses of myself doing things that I have never before been able to see is unnerving. Unsettling. I feel like a voyeur of my own life. I, like many others I suppose, am uncomfortable with myself. I cringe when I hear recordings of my voice. Photographs rarely come close to capturing who I feel that I am. I would probably run screaming into the woods never to return should I ever get caught on film during sex. It's not that I carry a bad image of myself. I just prefer to see myself through your eyes than through my own.

So I face the mirrors and look above myself. I focus on a spot beyond where I am. I can see myself but am not the central image. I am one of many. I can work this way. Then I realize that I have done the same with you. Only occasionally do I look straight at you. Take your gaze. Create a oneness. I now recall that you have never looked away. You have met the gaze but haven't challenged it. You have accepted it and, allowed it to go its merry way when I needed to change my focus. You have been patient. And gentle.

There are so many reflections. Many types of reflections. Reflections upon reflections. Reflecting light. Reflecting Sound. Bats use sound waves to situate themselves. They send out signals that bounce back to them. The faster the signals are reflected back, the closer the object is. There must be a physical sensation/feeling attached to these signals. Wouldn't the bat need to 'know' if the surface is hard or soft. If the fruit is ripe or not? Otherwise, this navigational system would be too simple. Unelegant. When the natural world appears unelegant I tend to think that it's my perception that's flawed. I'm missing a piece of the big picture.

Memory is a reflection. So are moods. Emotions. Thoughts. We sit. We reflect. We reflect upon our world. We reflect upon our moods. Ourselves. These reflections feel incomplete. That perhaps we are only acknowledging part of what is being reflected our way. We see the reflection. Or touch it. Smell it. But we don't fully experience it. Actually, at some level we must be experiencing it fully. We just aren't aware of it. We stop at the image and get scared. Scared that someone else might be there. Looking.

Crackers

I've taken to getting myself a bowl of soup at lunch time while I am at work. It's not the greatest soup in the world but, it's hot and relatively inexpensive. $2.14 will get me a large bowl of soup and 2 packages of crackers. Thing is, I can't eat soup without at least 5 packages of crackers. I like the texture to be mushy, not runny. When the consistency can be equated with baby puree I am happy. When the soup of the day is Thai red chicken curry or French Canadian pea, I am ecstatic! So what do I do? Instead of picking out the allowable 2 packages of crackers, I take 5. This always leads to some form of discussion at the cash.

Cashier: You know I have to charge you more for the extra crackers.
Me: Yes, I understand that.
Cashier: You get 2 packages free with the soup.
Me: Ok.
Cashier: Do you still want the extra crackers?
Me: Yes, please.
Cashier: I'm afraid I will have to charge you and extra $.30.
Me: Ok.

The cashier will then shake her head and hand me back the change and offer me a soup club card.

Cashier: If you get this card stamped 10 times, you will get a free soup.
Me: Does that include the extra crackers?
Cashier: Ummmm....I don't know. I don't think so. But you get 2 packages free.
Me: Never mind. I'll do without the card.

Thing is, I used to try to use these cards for shoes, coffee, soup, books and the like but I would invariably lose the card and have to start over again. I don't do cards anymore.

Today, when I got my soup, the cashier looked down at my bowl and 5 packages of crackers and then after ringing in my purchase whispered:

I haven't charged you for the extra crackers today.

I thanked her and left a $.30 tip.