The view outside of my living room window late this afternoon depicted a scene that could have come straight out of a snow globe after having been gently shaken and set down. It was gorgeous. Large fluffy flakes floated to the ground. An insulating silence enveloped my home and I felt the comfort of the scene reaching out to blanket me. Cover me.
Although peaceful, the scene didn't mirror what I felt inside and I rebeled against it. I felt alienated from the beauty. My living room window was a barrier instead of a way in. I felt agitated as if I had been the one shaken up and set down forced to watch beauty from afar. Art was happening beyond the glass and I was merely a witness but not party to it. I wanted more.
I want more.
I had a sleepness night yesterday. I was wired. I had called a hang & focus and for the entire evening I had not been able to reach my groove. My rhythm was off. I was making silly errors. I was hyper and anxious. I was trying too hard. When I got home, I couldn't turn my brain off. I hate nights like those. My bed felt foreign. For the first time in a long time I felt lonely. Not only lonely in the sense that I am currently physically alone but lonely in an artistic and emotional sense.
I've been living day to day and making do. I've been surviving. I've been doing more than just scraping by but to be honest, I haven't been fully involved. I've been hibernating. Stagnating. The past couple days I've been feeling that I have been just a witness for too long. It's time to be a participant once again. I'm just not entirely sure how to go about it. All I know is that I shouldn't be pressing the snooze button for very much longer or I risk becoming permanently incased in glass.
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