Vanishment

I disappeared the other day. It was something that I wanted. What I asked for. The result, however, was unexpected. I arrived at work on Thursday and checked my bank account. It was payday. I'm never quite sure how much my end of month pay is because I never bother to calculate my overtime in advance. I like to keep the extra dosh as a surprise. I was surprised. No pay had been deposited. I called payroll. The woman who answered the phone asked me to hold the line. When she returned to speak with me she told me she had no idea what happened. She had to check with her supervisor. I hung up and waited. Well. I carried on doing my job. Kind of. I had a sneaking suspicion. I suspected that something was up beyond my comprehension. I had recently looked up at skies and said 'Bring It!' I've been frustrated. Lonely. Fed up. 'Just Bring It!' Whatever was to be brought I figured I could take. I sent a message to a friend and among other pitiable things I whinged on about, I wrote how I wanted to disappear.

The payroll supervisor got back to me. She didn't really know how it happened but apparently I had been disappeared from the main database. Not only me but my job as well. There are various checks and balances in place at the institution where I work to prevent this from accidentally occurring. Whenever someone is deleted, that name is to automatically go on to other lists so that other folk can verify that that someone is indeed supposed to disappear. It seems that my records had been deleted but that my name hadn't automatically gone to any lists. The payroll folk have no idea how this could have occurred.

No harm no foul. It was only money. They cut me a cheque. Nothing bounced.

Strange tho' that I could disappear so quickly. Strange that the timing of this happened just after I had decided to challenge fate? the gods? universal energy?

The same friend to whom I had written my whinge list suggested that I might now need to be careful of what I ask for. Much like the folk in stories who meet up with a genie I should take care when asking for anything because I just might get it.

I've been thinking about what I would want to ask for. I'm stymied. I may not be satisifed entirely with my current situation but I can't really come up with anything that could make it better. I kind of like the journey and the sense of adventure that is wrapped up in my not knowing what is coming up. I guess I continue to have hope and faith in tomorrow. Hope doth springeth eternal. At the same time, despite my whining, I'm doing ok. The choices I've made in the past that have led to where I am now are ones that I probably wouldn't have made any differently if I had the chance to make them again.

I do believe that I will stop yelling at the sky. At least for a bit.

Seeing

My girl has a ‘lazy’ eye. There is nothing physically wrong but her strong eye has taken over the responsibility of seeing. Her weaker eye is getting weaker. We have used glasses, eye drops, adhesive patches and the like. It’s been a frustrating process. Invasive. It's been about five years! My daughter is incredibly strong but enough is enough. We went to the eye doc again yesterday and I asked him about possible alternative visual therapies…a wee bit of internet research has revealed the existence of such approaches; the caveat being that the closest practitioner is in Cambridge, ON. The doc, as should have been expected, dismissed the idea right away saying that what we were doing was right and sometimes it just didn’t work. Maybe.

So I got her a pirate patch to wear after school and on weekends over her strong eye instead of the adhesive bandages that cause a rash and hurt her skin when removed. She’s happier with that. Her words after viewing herself in the mirror ‘Oh mommy, I look absolutely ridiculous! I love it.’ I have also started to work with her in terms of relating the images she sees with her weaker eye to her brain. Instead of just letting her ‘carry on’ I’m trying to be a bit more pro active. (While simultaneously attempting to ignore the rising waves of mommy guilt for not trying to do something about this sooner). We are looking at things together and I am asking her to describe for me the details she is seeing (describe the veins of a leaf…what do they do for the leaf…what do they remind one of etc. all in an effort to make her have to consciously see through that eye and interpret the images) I’m thinking that physical therapists don’t just ask folk to walk on the sore leg until it heals but offer techniques to strengthen the leg. I’m trying to work out ways to strengthen the connection between the visual input and her brain. I can’t move to Cambridge (or can I?) but I need to try something new. At least, according to the doc, there is nothing physically wrong with her eye or the optic nerve. I need to try something but the invasive crap feels wrong.

Perhaps I’m too close to this. I have a healthy distrust of doctors so my biases may be blinding me. Our next appointment with the doc is in December. Until then, I'll work with her and wait & see.

A Little Knowledge . . .

New people have entered my life. One has entered slowly yet, simultaneously and contradictorily, the entry was immediate. I just didn't recognize the impact right away. But, at the same time I did. It needs time. Hmmmmm......

Others have been filtering in. A new balance is to be achieved. I feel that everything that is going on around me is right. It's supposed to happen. I don't know why. I'm not sure if I'm really supposed to know why. Maybe why isn't the correct question? I am feeling more centred. Peaceful.

A recent meeting with a postive thinker has provided me with much needed, and free, childcare. A quaker I met today brought me messages of peace as well as information on upcoming meetings. I will not go but it's nice to be asked to the dance. Dads are coming up to me in the playground to talk. The commonality between all? They are all searching. Actively or passively. Searching for answers. Meanings. Understanding.

I've been thinking about knowing. What is knowing? We use our senses...sight, smell, taste, touch and hearing. Then our minds do the requisite calculations and voila...we know something. Doesn't this put the act of thinking right up there with seeing and smelling in terms of sensory observation? If thinking is a sense does this change how the world is perceived?

Certain things are going on in my life that, when I actively attempt to think about them, my understanding/knowledge of them lessons. I know that I can't know these things through thinking. How do I know this? I don't know. But I do know. You know? It's a knowledge linked to feeling. A combination of the senses I recognize with, perhaps, some senses that I don't. These unknown senses don't need to be understood to do their job. I don't know exactly how my heart and lungs work but I know that they are doing what they are supposed to be doing. My body/myself remain alive. I am more than my body. It makes sense that other parts of me, be they emotional, spiritual, soulful or other, would be, when functioning at an optimum level, not have to necessarily involve my conscious input to do what they do.

So I'm thinking about stuff lately. Not exactly sure where, if anywhere, it will take me. It's fun. Keeping me off the streets (for the most part). Regular scheduled programming will continue at a later date.