I've never written a letter like this before. Frankly, I'm not writing one now. Not really. You will never read this. It really has nothing to do with you anyway. I'm afraid that your role in all this is quite minor. I do, however, feel the need to get a few things off of my chest. But, I ask myself, where to begin? Begin at the beginning? When was that exactly? All I know for sure is how I feel right now. Even that is sketchy. My feelings are in a constant state of flux. At this moment, I am leaning towards anger. I am angry. This is not to be confused with frustration. Nor is it merely hurt masquerading as pique. This is full blown red fueled anger. Anger at being alone. Anger at seeing my children hurt and not being able to do a damned thing about it. Anger at his alienation from reality. Anger at the betrayal of trust. Anger that I thought it possible for him to grow up. Anger with the role alcohol played in all of this. Anger that I went to yet another meeting just yesterday where the idea of technicians drinking too much was viewed with a high regard. Angry that I didn't speak up and out against it.
The mythology surrounding booze and theatre is inescapable. There are those who 'play along' -- smile and nod and silently curse the post opening hang over. Others, like xman and many like him, buy into the myth. Hook, line and sinker. There are many reasons and non reasons for this. A need to belong? An unhappy childhood? A predisposition to alcoholism? Whatever the case, the myth exists. People buy into it and are subsequently applauded for it and then simultaneously ridiculed. It's the good 'ol theatre 'hug and stab' that occurs when people come to give you a warm hug just so they can get close enough to stab you in the back. It's ok to drink but if you can't handle it or end up drinking too much too often you too will be ostracized. Blamed for your own inability to be responsible in a world where personal responsibility is avoided at all costs. If we don't speak against it aren't we complicit? Shouldn't we share in the blame when families and personal lives are blown apart?
Funny thing tho' Ms. de Groot, I'm not angry at you. You are acting like I did and many of my friends did at the age of 17. Your love for xman is noted. I'm sure you believe that it's real. Hell, maybe it is. I'm not angry at you. I'm also pretty sure that I don't and won't feel sorry for you either. You may as well go through what we all did. It's a perverse rite of passage. You won't change him. One day, I assure you, you will wish that he could change. You may get hurt from this. Remember. He left his wife. He left his children. He left his family. Not for you. Don't have any illusions about that. He also didn't leave because of me. He left because he needs to drink. He needs to drink and cannot allow anything to be or get in his way. Not me. Not his kids. Not his responsibilities. You, my dear, are for him one of many escapes from reality. His waking wet dream as it were. Did you know that he has been bragging to his friends about being a 'dirty old man' who is dating a 20 year old? Do you wonder why he can't admit to your real age? Reality can be fluid. Although you are, no doubt, wise beyond your years--this too is a very common trait amongst 17 year old girls--this wisdom is missing real life experience. Alcoholism is an unfortunate part of real life. Sanctioned alcoholism is pervasive in the theatre setting as are affairs with people twice one's age. You may as well gain personal experience in each.
