Sometimes I'm Glad I Didn't Go to School for This

A pre morning coffee conversation with a client:

Client: We will need walls set up. How many wall pieces do we need?
Me: What dimensions will you need to work within?
Client: What size is the stage? (This is his 50th or so time doing a show here)
Me: Approximately 30' x 30'
Client: Yes, we will need the stage. How many walls to fill half the stage? Oh...and we will also need 3 doors and a window.
Me: Well, each wall piece is 4' wide.
Client: Will 3 wall pieces be enough?
Me: Is 12' long enough?
Client: No it is not. How many pieces do I need? (note: this is a university professor)
Me: Can you draw me a diagram of what you want? (I hand him a scale diagram of our blank stage) Oh, and by the way. Will you want any special lighting or sound?
Client: Ok (turns over the scale drawing and draws 3 walls, space for 3 doors and 1 window on the other side of the page). I want to do this. No special lighting. We won't need any sound.
Me: It might give me a better idea if you drew what you wanted on the scale diagram.
Client: Ok. (He turns over the page and proceeds to draw his three walls once again...right through where the curtains are drawn and into the wings)
Me: Hmmm...It looks like your set won't fit on our stage eh? It might have to be smaller than you designed eh?
Client: (blank stare -- Draws it again...this time within the actual stage space)
Me: (after quickly measuring with a scale ruler) 8 x's 4' pieces will work for you. However, I have only one door frame, but no doors. I have a window you can use.
Client: Yes, I definitely need the door frame. We can use curtains for the other doors.
Me: The door frame doesn't come with a door.
Client: I understand. We'll use curtains for this too. We will need to paint the wall pieces white.
Me: Ok.
Client: Some have a lot of colour on them now
Me: Yes they do.
Client: I don't think I will be able to get them white.
Me: Might take more than 2 coats of paint.
Client: But, I need them white. (looks at me for a miracle solution)
Me: You could always get more wood and build some new walls.
Client: No no. That's ok. Painting them will work right? Oh. I also want the sun to rise at the back at one point in the play. Can you have a sun behind the wall?
Me: Behind the wall? But the walls are solid.
Client: No...over the wall. The walls are only 8' high. Show the sun above this.
Me: So your house has no roof?
Client: Maybe we can have the sun seen through the window. Oh. And stars for the night scene.
Me: As you can see, it's a very small window. What you are wanting may not work on stage.
Client: But you will try yes?
Me: I'll do my best. It will be easier to do after the walls are in place. So, just to double check, you won't need any audio?
Client: No sound at all. Only music.
Me: Music?
Client: Yes, on cd.
Me: Music is sound.
Client: Yes.
Me: (looking around for the hidden camera... sees the theatre manager smirking in his corner of the room)
Client: I will have to go park my car now. Where can I park?
Me: In parking lot #1.
Client : But, it is full. The sign states that one must park in lot #2.
Me: (blank stare)
Client: I will be back after I park and then I will paint. Thank you so much for all of your assistance.
Me: You are very welcome.

He goes. I go for coffee. My weekend should be fun.

God Bless

There is, sadly, something quintessentially American in the image of a group of people comprised of elderly, infirmed and poor huddled together in a football stadium for safety as they await a coming storm.

Managing to Lead?

Semantic masturbation aside, I think that there is more to the leader/manager question than meets the eye. I don't really know why this subject is taking up such a large portion of my public consciousness these days but, until I dwell on it some more, I fear that it may take up permanent residence--something I do not want. I work at a University. The purpose of gaining a 'higher' education at a university, at least to my way of thinking, is to provide one with a challenging, thought provoking environment where one can sample from a vast pool of knowledge bases. Then one can begin thinking for oneself having thereby learned to take in information, chew on it for awhile and come up with one's own conclusions. Yes, I support a liberal arts education. It disturbs me when I speak to students who are embarking upon their university studies and their purpose for being here is to get the information/tools they need to be highly paid (therefore respected?) members of the work force. Forget about learning for the sake, and love, of learning. The university is buying into this corporate/cookie cutter mentality. Students are becoming clients. Guest speakers at the university include the CEO of Magma International (only a handful of actual students came to this one...a lot of profs and high level admin folks were present however). Add to this that the Arts department is promoting a new service that will group arts students together so that one is kept with the same group of people taking the same courses for the next 4 years (much like highschool...I wasn't very much fond of highschool myself). The mentality behind this is to create a more postive, nurturing space for students to learn in and giving them constant 'study buddies' with whom they may share thier intellectual journey. Heaven forbid we expect these kids to flourish in new and challenging situations where they are forced to think for themselves!! There is also a department here that states as its purpose that it is to create the leaders of tomorrow. (yup...finally got back to the L word) Here students study such things as public affairs and management. Ok, I'll reveal yet another bias of mine...the bias against corporate management training. The methodologies keep changing but the results seem the same...let's create cloned managment types that are able to work in very particular types of atmospheres...once again, lets leave out original thought. Yes, I will concede that management skills are important but...where are the leaders? Can leadership even be taught? Is the connection between management and leadership similar to that between a musician's technical skill and his/her abilities to emote musically? I would think that actual leaders would come out from a field of study where original thought was promoted--a place where their innate? leadership/visionary abilities are able to flourish but, I don't have any stats to back up this claim. Just a hunch. Or wishful thinking.

I need a frequency boost

My graphic eq that was sent away pre vacation ... again ... came back yesterday. Tested it this morning. Still doesn't work. Still fucked. Same thing as always. The dudes who check it send it back to me saying there is nothing wrong. I plug it in and I lose 3db right away when I engage the +12 boost. Then, the thing fails to boost properly yet seems to do a half decent job of cutting. I was told that it might be the switch but, both channels react in the same way. So, it looks like I have a site specific intermittent problem that happens to two separate channels at the same time simultaneously and coincidentally. That or, the dudes don't know what the hell they are doing. Sigh. Now I gotta find me some more dudes.

Been thinking about the differences between managers and leaders and what would be better...a manager who can lead? or, a leader who can manage?

Been thinking about the local football team's promotion...mardi gras nights. Basically, dudes get a string of beads and choose a gal to hand them to. Gals win prizes when they collect the most beads. Some city councillors have complained about the overt sexist display. Some councillors have said 'chill out.' Local morning radio is chock full of false dude laughter over stupid, pointless, sexist, racist, otherwise discriminatory garbage. CBC is still on strike. My defences are high. I sense a war coming. My boss thinks the war will come between the city folk and the rural folk. I'm not so sure. Especially when I told him that I was pissed off about the eq situation and that it was a part of a chain of similar scenerios and his response was 'well, it's not because you are a woman if that's what you are thinking.' No, I thought. It's because the main eq fixing dude is a sometimes functioning/sometimes not alcoholic that, like many other dudes out there, seems to think that it's ok to do half ass work and wallow in past hurts and injustices. It's cuz I come from an lx rather than audio background. It's cuz I was a performer before going backstage. It's cuz the needs of this place aren't high on dudes list of important things. It's cuz dude feels the need to bullshit and belittle rather than admit that there might possibly be a problem out there that he can't fix. It's cuz dude isn't a woman in the first place. So there! (put in picture here of me sticking out my tongue)

Sometimes a Pink Button is More Than a Pink Button

This morning began as most hectic pre work/school/coffee mornings do. The alarm began beeping. I rolled over to ignore it. One of the cats began rubbing my face and drooling. My daughter (who had snuck into my bed sometime during the night) let out a sigh. I got up and glared at J (who had no idea I was doing this since he was fast asleep or ignoring the alarm more successfully than I) and began the morning routine of getting myself up and ready, the kids up and ready, cats and kids fed, myself caffeineated and out the door. This morning, S began talking about wanting to bring a special pink button to school:

"Can I bring it to school mummy? I love it"

My response a distracted "ok."

Well, we got in the car and I must confess to tuning out S as she went on and on about her special pink button and how it came from her fall coat and how it had fallen off and she had found it. I was doing my best to avoid hitting those pedestrians that had just woken up or who were ready for bed (I love that turn around time of the morning). When we got to the daycare, S informed me that she had lost the button. "oh well sweetie, we'll find it after school." I hadn't really understood how important this button was. After finally coming out the car thinking I would search for it, she crumpled herself on the sidewalk in a state of abject misery worthy of a full scholarship to the national theatre school. I picked her up and carried her to the driveway. Well, my son A witnessed this display and wanted to be carried too. I said no. He took off his ball cap and threw it to the ground and shrieked like a seagull. Just at this time, an elderly gentleman came walking by, pointed to A and, like in the Simpsons, said 'ha ha ha.' This pissed A off more (and me too) and we all stalked rather miserably to the daycare door. Once inside, I informed the kids that no one was going to be carried up the stairs. This resulted in more wailing and carrying on. At least I wasn't playing favourites. 'A' recovered when we got to the top of the stairs. S, on the otherhand, first hid in a locker, than crumpled herself to the ground. I finally got her over the gate whereupon she threw herself on it and I watched as the tear soaked face slid down the plexiglass. I haven't yet mentioned that S now wears a patch over one eye in the mornings. That with her missing bottom teeth gives her a true pirate look. Imagine if you will the look of a miserable pirate squished to glass and you will have an understanding of how she looked.
When I got to the car, I realized that I would be late for work. So be it. When I get home tonight, I'm going to make sure to find that pink button.

When we skate, we skate on ice

I'm listening in on my kids again. S is explaining to A about skating:
A: 'Can we just stand there?'
S: 'No, you have to skate.'
A: 'Can we skate on the road?'
S: 'No, when we skate, we skate on ice.'

Yesterday at dinner, A told us that he was going to drive the car. S gave immediate reasons why this wouldn't work:
1) His feet can't reach the pedals;
2) He doesn't have keys.
I told J that this was clear evidence of the generation gap at work. Wherein we would think that the kids are obviously too young and therefore the thought of them driving cars at this age is inconceivable, their reasons are reflective of a different thought processes at work. Things like this make me feel old.

There are other things, however, that make me feel rather young. My immediate neighbours are all very pleasant ('cept for one but he and his family are moving out Sept. 1st...he was the one who mentioned in passing 'hmmm...never had a wasp problem before you guys arrived' and 'hmmm...never found rocks in the parking area until your kids came around...not that I'm saying it was them' ... imagine the hidden 'hmmmm' I had in my mind). Anyway, back to the nice neighbours...I've met the mothers/wives of three of the family. They are around my biological age but I feel young (not necessarily in a good way) around them. Hard to explain but, I just feel a bit immature around them. I am bare foot, they have sandels/shoes...I am kicking the soccer ball around, they are leaving it to the kids....hmmm.
Even reading this I can't help but think that a lot of my feelings are coming from me not them. I just can't pin it down. I guess a large part of it is that I don't feel 36...I think the same way as I did when I was 24...don't I? Ok...I got married...work more than study...have kids...but...I still don't really feel that this is my life. Certainly there is more to my life than these stats.
I think that maybe, just perhaps, I'll try to learn how to skate this year.

Smile...someone loves you

My return to work went relatively smooth. I highly recommend to all that when they return to work after holidays that they do their best to come back on a Thursday or Friday rather than Monday. I did a work related course (safety) on Thursday morning then went home to nap. On Friday was the body builder set up and catch up with my lovely staff who were happy to exclaim 'the bitch is back.' It's nice to inspire people to sing Elton John. I went in this morning to make sure the event would go off as smooth as possible and voila! I got home before noon and am not scheduled back until Tuesday. Last night J actually surprised me by getting his mom to come by to look after the kids and their dinner and he took me out. It was very very nice. We walked to an Indian restaurant that was serving a small buffet (all you can eat) ... the food was excellent. Pakoras that melted in the mouth, butter chicken moist and tender, na'an bread perfectly done. We stuffed ourselves royally and, best yet, giggled non stop. I noted to J that when we were rafting he had a smile pasted to his face...damn he was good looking. Funny that I hadn't realized how little he had been smiling of late. I really should pay more attention. It's too easy to get caught up in my self and own concerns. Easier still to create a barrier between myself and such events as bombings, floods, gaza, senseless deaths, senseless hunger, senseless despair ... why is it that I try to make sense of things so obviously senseless? (side note/non sequitor: the kids are presently pretending that they are cats...they are crawling around upstairs and meowing to each other...).

Things That Stink

The cat box
J's feet
Having to go back to work when one more week of vacation would be dandy
Body Builder oil and tanning solutions
Month old hummous
Month old baba ganoush
Outdoor rust proof paint
Theatre laundry left to fester for 3 months
Friends that live too far away to join for coffee
Having J get offended when his stinky feet are brought up
Having to clean the cat box
Out houses
Tim Hortons Coffee
Paper Mills
Gas stations
Gas over $1/litre
A world with bombs
Movies that bomb (National Treasure...very stinky)
Beer Halls during the afternoon
Having to try and explain myself yet again
Committee meetings
Bad T.V.
Prime Time
CBC on strike
No milk for coffee
Unsatisfied cravings
Old men who reek of mis starts and failed attempts
Wanting to say sorry but not knowing what for

My neighbourhood

Woke up this morning in pain. A dull throbbing tight achy all over pain. My shoulders and neck felt large. My arms felt heavy. My legs, already covered in mosquito made welts, burned. My back felt somewhat pre-labourish. Basically, my entire body was swearing at me. J had had to work last night and didn't get in until 3:30am. I forced myself into movement and got the kids up and clothed and fed and out. When I returned home I crashed on the couch and watched Tommy Lee guest star on Regis and Kelly. Yikes. You know those times that you are doing something that just isn't good for you but you haven't the strength to move? Watching Tommy bounce around on the interview stool playing air drums was one of those 'I really should have turned off or looked away' moments. I got J up and we went walking in our new neighbourhood. I thought I would get a spur of the moment hair cut (I felt in need of some pampering). Seems that the hair dressers in this neck of the woods don't work on Mondays unless there is a red and white striped pole in the front. My fair locks remain intact. I love that there is a hardware store close by. It's one of those 'it has everything in it' type of stores. Not like the home depots that are taking over the world...this one has basic hardware stuff but also sells plates, rat poison, garbage cans, cleaners for every occasion, gift cards and appliances. Everything is crammed into the smallest space possible. I love it. There is a decent drug store close by as well. This too is a good thing. Between the drug store and the hardware store lies a LCBO (liquor board of ontario folks!). There is also a bookstore/coffee shop, a Bridgehead, an amazing Deli with overpriced oils from around the world, a butcher (that will sell you the whole cow and throw in a chicken to boot), a fresh pasta shop, a shop specializing in tea and an Herb and Spice. Throw in 2 diners, 2 pubs, 2 fine dining establishments, a vegetarian eatery and a Thai food restaurant and one's meals on the run are covered. A luggage shop, a used sporting goods store, a new age type shop, a clothing store that had as its base price for everything from scarves to beach hats to blouses as $118, a knick knack place, a couple furniture stores (antique, modern and one a bit in between) and a few computer stores pretty much sum up the street. I like it. It's eclectic. It's yummy. It's home. Coming home my body seemed to be in a more forgiving mood. I started puttering. J had a nap. I picked up the kids. Cycle completed.

A little water music

Got home a few hours ago. Have not received hugs sooooo huge from anyone as I got from the kids. Of course it would be pizza night too! Mommy and Daddy are Gods! So I'm feeling a wee bit stiff, sore and battered. J and I left on late Friday afternoon and arrived at the site at approximately 7pm. We set up our campsite and waited for the rest of the group. And waited. And waited. J placed a tarp over our tent that was the envy of the camp ground. We had our arm chairs out and beers in hand (mine Stella Artois, his Canadian). And we waited. Eventually, we got up to look around (10pm) and finally ran into JO. Seems the group had stumbled upon our site after we had left it (go figure) ... they had decided to camp on a different ground...in the 'quiet area.' Our site then became the designated 'party area.' So, imagine if you will a camp ground filled with university aged student types strutting their collective stuff and 'whoo hooing' to all hours. Then there was our group. We too got a noise warning...wasn't from me...I was too close to comotose (11pm is my usual bedtime and we were looking at the other side of midnight) and declined to follow the rest of the group to the lodge for more partying...I crashed. J soon followed...he had imbibed a wee bit too much. Nope...we aren't 23 anymore.
Next morning we crawled out of the tent around 9am. J and I headed to breakfast and I was impressed by the spread. They have to feed over 600 people and the food was actually good and plentiful. No complaints. Not even with the coffee. The rest of the group wanted to hang out at the beach...J and I hooked on to a free mountain bike tour/lesson. Cool. It took 1/2 and we actually went on a one track course. It was fun. J and I then went swimming. Gorgeous water. I went on a paddle boat ride and by that time (11:30am) I was feeling pretty spent. I continued swimming though until lunch was served aroun 1pm (once again...yummy and plentiful). After lunch, we went to try out some kayaking. I loved it!!! Very cool to be in a one person vessel. Didn't take long to be zipping around either. J and I then rented a bike for me (J had brought his) and we went for an hour and a half ride. Ok...my bum hurt after the morning...now it was beginning to burn!!! I went back in the water to try to heal. Dinner time came and went, J and I sat on some couches with coffee (yes...this place actually had decent java!) and we began to zone out. Our scheduled trip time was for 7:30 the next morning so we went for a walk instead of partaking in the lodges '80's night' celebrations. (side note: It was very amusing to see a group of folks born in the late 80's dress for the decade. What they seem to have perceived from our beloved 80's was that it was filled with fushia prom dresses, side hung pony tails and tacky tacky clothes. Yes thought I ... but, there was soooo much more!) J and I went to our tent to attempt to crash admist the ruckus. I heard the sultry stylings of "jessie's girl" being played almost in key by the band...well...I'll keep you informed if there is anything more to say about this.
Next morning J's alarm went off and we dragged ourselves from the tent, got dressed and headed for breakfast. Coffee. Coffee. oh yeah, I also had special k with coconut on it...yummy...will have to keep that it mind for home. We had a briefing and filled up a couple school buses that would take us to the rapids. After stopping to get our helmets, jackets and paddles, we walked the rest of the way to the rafts. Ok. Overall the trip was wonderful. I was sitting at the back with J and got sufficiently bashed around by the waves and raft. Very very cool. My arms are aching with paddling. We also were told to leave the raft at one point and just drift down the river (also cool). Lunch was provided half way down...a fire was lit so we could warm up a bit....the water was warm but, wet clothes on land are never nice. We continued through other vicious sounding rapids (butcher's knife, chopping block and the like). After a bit we stopped and climbed a small cliff. Like lemmings, people lined up and jumped into the current below having only a short time to get oriented before having to swim like mad to the shore. I wasn't going to do it. I did it! I'm proud of myself. Very cool. Near the end of the run, we stopped to 'raft surf' a bit. Basically, this consisted of getting the raft caught between two currents and having the raft fill with water. Fun. By the time we landed, I was beat but happy. Now I'm home...sore...completely exhausted but had a lot of fun overall. I would love to try out the kayaking one next time. Not that I'm really interested in this exercise thing at all. Oh...and I might be the next victim of west nile...I can't even count the number of bites I have on me...mostly on my feet. Have sympathy please! J got a call in to work tonight. After I publish this, I'm off to bed...I'm even forgoing the shower. Way too tired. A good tired. A very very good tired. Good night.

Foot Fall

Have I gone too far? Have I revealed too much? I haven't meant any harm...really. It's hard for me to know what the line is cuz I end up criss crossing over it so much in my everyday. How am I to know that many people are repelled by menstrual talk or are just not interested in how my dry feet are not as scaly today. My social graces are, at times, unrefined. I should, however, remember to keep information about others to a minimum. For all the A's, S's, B's -- hell, to the entire alphabet and beyond--I promise to keep comments a wee bit more general in the future. That said and done, does anyone have advice for my poor dry scaly feet? I try to moisturize...to no avail. I've tried medicated cream...stinky but still ineffective. I'm finding that as I get older, I'm becoming more concerned with, not just my outward appearance, but with how my body actually feels. (is there any irony in the fact that just after I wrote this I went into the kitchen and cut myself a piece of banana cake for breakfast?)

So, J and I are going white water rafting this weekend. I had been very excited about this. Now, I'm not so sure. I am very keen on spending time with JO and A and their friends. It's my last full weekend of my vacation...I'll miss the kids. J is missing out on a big work weekend too. I just have mixed feelings. To be honest, I'm a bit nervous about the whole thing. I can't see that it is very dangerous but...I think I'll be happiest when I'm back at home holding the kids and thinking back on marvelous memories. J wants to take me mountain biking this weekend too...I think I will be in pain. I'm a wimp. I don't want pain. I want smooth feet.

A terrible beauty

Move went well...love the house. Went camping with kids and kept on driving to paradise. My friend's cottage on Mlake...beautiful. Funny, it's not really the camp that makes it so perfect but the drive into the area. We go through S valley and the scenery is gorgeous; Lush fields, quiet farm houses...the area exudes peace. I love it. I wouldn't want to live there. I just love driving through it. This may seem weird but, I don't think the end destination would have the same effect without the lead up view. There may be a life lesson in here somewhere. So, my kids got to play with S's kids. Strange encounters. Kids have a politics that is a strange mix of parental guidance/anxiety and personal quirks. Mix in a bit of pack mentality and ... well, I guess it coulda been worse. Only a few screams and tattles. For the most part they played well together. It was more interesting to watch the parental dynamics at work. We have different parental styles which is to be expected...Hell, our kids are different. Fortunately, we share basic core values so guards could be let down somewhat. Not sure how I feel about the S & B relationship. I wish it were more equal...but, at the same time, I'm not able to know what's going on behind the scenes. S has her body back but is still wounded. It could be the loss of her mom...it could be the situation she is in (feeling a bit caged/trapped)...it could be...a number of things I guess. We are all aging. Enjoying and suffering. Personally, I have always been drawn to the 'terrible beauty.' My mom suggested on a number of occasions that a big chunk of me enjoyed being miserable. Not exactly mom...but close. I like the feeling of sadness welling up inside of me and having it topped off with a child's giggle or a beautiful sunset. A state of being emotionally full. This is what this mini vacation did to me. I highly recommend it.

Moving On

This is my last pre-move entry. Yesterday a lot got accomplished. The kitchen is pretty much set up and, with the help of J and our friend T, some massive gorilla gardening was done outside and voila...looks like someone lives there! The back yard here (old place) looks sad...dug up...empty. Hope the new tenant values it...won't take much to make it pretty again. So today can be a bit more relaxed. Just a couple more loads via boxes left and then we have the truck for tomorrow's larger furniture bits (still can't get over that I actually own larger furniture bits...it was bad enough realizing some years ago that I had too many knick knacks to cart along with me wherever I went. I used to think that I could pick up and move at any time. Any time, that is, until I realized that my accumlation of things had grown and, not only that, but I wouldn't feel right leaving these 'things' in storage ... I wanted them with me ... now I have actual furniture...stuff not previously found on the side of the road. Things change). Hopefully out internet will get set up without a catch and I'll be back on line on Tuesday. Until then ...

Packing Packing Packing

Packing, packing, packing. The life of my wee family is being packed away into little boxes. Basically it adds up to 6 years of cumulated crap. I'm surprised that not more is being thrown out. Maybe we'll throw more out at the new place. I have a sneaky suspician, however, that this may not be the case. Our new place is significantly larger. With a basement. A large basement. There is plenty of room to store those unimportant but, 'don't you think we'd better hang on to it just in case?', things. Well, i've had enough of a break. J's been tackling the back room since early this morning. I slept in. Well, I am on vacation.

Knick Knack Paddy Whack

I've spent some hours today packing. I like packing. I'm not really sifting too much however. I'll leave that for later. Basically, I'm just putting stuff into boxes without much thought...cramming stuff in...trying to make it fit. I have a lot of little stuff (this may not be grammatically correct but, those who know me will know what I mean and probably agree with the assessment). Went to see the new place today. I've kept changing my mind as to whether or not I liked it. I signed the lease close to 2 months ago...I couldn't remember what it looked like. I do like it. It's much larger than what I am used to (a good thing considering the size of the family--2 big people, 2 little people and 2 cats). J mentioned that he would like another kid. Well, actually, he said 'yup...I decided that I think that maybe well we should perhaps have another kid.' I told him that I was fertile tonight. He had to go to work...Styx & Saga. I can't get into Gowan as the frontman for Styx. J phoned me during 'criminal mind' ... sounded loud and fuzzy over the cell phone. Darn audio engineers. I called my mom tonight. Just to say hello. No...not really. It's never about hello with her. Can't really put my finger on it though. She had sent J & I an anniversary card. It is cute. Very nice gesture. I thanked her for it. She responded by saying that she had asked the people standing around in the card shop to read it...then told them it was for her daughter (knowing chuckles all around) and then told me that this card was a 'keeper.' Why does she do this? I keep knick knacks. I keep a wide assortment of 'odd' things for various sentimental/unsentimental/remembrance like reasons. But, I decide what I keep. Now, it's not like I would toss the card. I keep cards as a rule. Now I feel obliged to keep the card. It no longer stands alone as a memory of a gesture. Grrrrr. I know...get over it. But, it's not like this is the first time. I wonder if it's that she knows I collect things and wants to know for sure that the things she gives me warrant collection? Ahhh...wouldn't it be great to read and know the minds of the insecure? Instead of being the mature one, however, I don't tell her 'of course I'll keep it...I'll treasure it always' or even 'you know that I love you ... card or no card' , I say instead 'mmmmm...so how has your day been?' Effectively changing direction of the conversation. Yup. I'm chicken too. Sometimes, I just get a bit too overwhelmed with trying to figure out how people tick (myself included). As part of their daycare, the kids are selling lemonade on the street tomorrow. I'm looking forward to walking there and imbibing. Apparently, the kids have made it on their own. They are proud. They are growing. Fast. Maybe, perhaps, it might be a good idea if, well ...

Vacation on a Dude Ranch?

Ok...a couple things. First and foremost -- I am now, officially, on vacation! I will not be at the office until Aug. 19 (coming in for the weekend body builders...how could I miss that?) Today will be spent packing...an impending household move is coming...Aug. 1st!! Yikes. That's also my wedding anniversary. Typical. Hopefully everything will go smoothly...I'm trying to think of all the people/institutions that must be called regarding the address change. I'm sure I'll miss some...but, I'm equally sure that those I miss will be able to hunt me down like a scurvy dog. I always seem to leave a trail. My supervisor took me out for lunch yesterday. It was nice. Conversation flowed...and we both eavesdropped on the table behind us...man in suit with younger woman...they were going through her job/performance evaluation. Seems that people are attempting to follow proper 'management' guidelines but, are missing something that forms and calculations can't replace...actual communcation. The fellow actually said 'well, it says on this form that I am supposed to ask you how you feel about your job.' Seriously, corona almost jet out my nose. Cb and I, on the other hand, have a pretty darn good working relationship. We respect each others' ideas, space and failings. Plus...we were able to split a piece of chocolate cheese cake (I ate the larger portion...free food...never say no).

Now, as I am home free without a work day care, I applied the 'gender genie' (http://www.bookblog.net/gender/genie.html) to my post Afternoon Delight (http://rosco324.blogspot.com/2005/07/afternoon-delight.html). (I know there is a better way to show links...the elegance is lost on me at the moment). Hmmm....seems that it was written by a male. Big time. When I informed the genie that it was wrong it replied 'That's one butch chick' ... It causes me to wonder what form the gender genie considers 'female?' I reread Afternoon Delight...it sounds female to me. Maybe it's me. Maybe I am not female enough. Hmmm...but...I have stretch marks from childbirth...my breasts are a bit saggy but still there, I menstruate once a month...physically I'm female. Maybe it's a mental thing? Oh dear. Perhaps I should seek out professional help? Maybe, instead of going away for my vacation, I'll just allow my maleness to come out ... be a dude for awhile. It's not that I totally believe the computer guru but...it's hard not to wonder if there may be some divine truth in what it spews out. I mean...algorithms...how can one argue against science and math? Puhhhhllease. Interesting that there are those who feel that this form of 'science' can tell us anything more than illustrate our obession with labelling and cataloguing difference based on binary code. 1 or 0...Black or White...Chick or Dude. Yet...the gender genie does allow for grey doesn't it. It did suggest that I was a 'butch chick.' Hmmm...could the binary be breaking down? Maybe there is hope...even the computer program admits that there are additional categories out there. Hmmm...I'd be interested to know what happens to a male writer who gets a female rating...will he be called a femme? Oh dear...I sense another binary on the way. Calgon...take me away.

Female Score: 833Male Score: 800
The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: female!
Guess I'll stay away from the ranch for a bit.

The Good, The Bad and the Ugly (and the really cute)

Meet A...a bit dated but, can't get much sweeter!




This is a picture of S ... kinda wanted to see if I could add pics. Everyone else on the block is trying it... Hmmm...shouldn't this have been more difficult? What am I missing? S, as you can see, is missing teeth. No...not naturally...unless you count falling down stoop steps and slamming mouth into metal kick guard a natural childhood progression...I'm sure the jury will be out for awhile.

Contemplated yet another night sans blog but, as I was waiting for J to finish his shower whilst I sat sipping tea on the front stoop watching a local prostitute (a new one tonight...young...strung out...possibly pregnant) tour the street with that ungainly, pushy yet vulnerable night time strut, I thought that I should break the silence. I know me...if I can get away with putting something off for a short while, I can extend the silence indefinitely.

So...what's new? My supervisor has returned from his vacation. Got to show him the good, the bad and the ugly. Clean carp shop good. Rental of bin without knowing how much I spent on it? bad. Fixed risers? Good. Having to drive around searching for wood delivered to the wrong spot? Ugly. Clean sink room good. My staff forgetting to lock sound room door last night? bad. Clean lights, good. Ripped DMX line...ugly...staff trying to hide it from me with electrical tape...uglier. Clean booth? Good. Pink wall...ugly....Ok...so I told the tech to paint the wall pink. He chose to actually listen to me. He mixed the colour. It's the most unpink pink I've ever seen. Not flowery...not froofroo...more like pepto bismal. New sound patch...very good. Monitor falling on $25 000 sound board (bending 3 knobs) ... bad and ugly. Overall, the tour went well. Inspection was passed. Ended up getting a lot done while he was away...funny that. Now, all I have to do is get through Wednesday...then it's vacation!! Yippie. I'm getting quite tired of the place/space.

Up Down Up Down Up

Ahhh...the T&T event went very well. Put in an 11 hour day with only one break for a coffee...am not hungry...feel really good actually. Nice people...wonderful musicians...good all around. I went home to make up some salads...potato, macaroni and a new rice one* ...for tomorrow. I'm having a barbecue for the people I work with. They are a great crew. Hope most of them can make it. My moods have been all over the place. I am up then down...quick to anger then quick to calm down. Maybe the lack of food could have something to do with it? 3 more work days until vacation. I'm really looking forward to it. We're moving on August 1st and then, hopefully, going camping on the 4th. I am really craving solid family time...no distractions.

* example of weird moods/temper is linked to the rice salad. J had asked his mom, sister and nephew over for dinner tonight...I wouldn't be there but, he said he could handle it. He put chicken on the grill and rice on the coleman stove at his side. When his family arrived, they stayed in the house. He poked his head in and they asked 'what's for dinner?' He said chicken. To him, they didn't seem impressed. He took out some money and sent his sister out to pick up hamburgers and a salad. When I got home and he told me this I freaked. I couldn't believe that he had made up 10 pieces of yummy chicken and an entire pot of rice that was ignored. He told me not to but I did anyway. I called his mother. Her first response was 'I'll pay for the chicken.' Hmmm...so not the point but telling no? I told her that my largest concern was that there was a huge lack of communication going on (apparently they didn't know that the chicken was for them? even though J told them that it was? I get confused)...I really don't think I accomplished much from calling...overreaction on my part...but I was really pissed off...but then...the pissy mood subsided...I went on line and searched for rice/salad recipes ... found one that uses dijon, parsley, peanuts and curry...turned out really yummy.

I think I need some quality sleep. Not too humid tonight. Get ready for tomorrow. It's been a really really long week. I wonder if I have enough money kicking around to get a bottle of gin? I think an afternoon of G&T's is in order.

Understanding Towels 101

Ok...is it really so complicated? Bath towels are the large terri cloth towels...folded in thirds then either in thirds again or rolled to fit neatly in the basket. If the towel if very large, it should first be folded in half, then in thirds. Body towels tend to be the largest. Hair towels tend to be slightly smaller. Hand towels are, yet again, smaller versions of bath towels (also terri cloth) and are to be folded in thirds then folded again. Hand towels are used for drying hands and faces in the bathroom...not the kitchen and, only after these hands and faces have been washed. With me so far? Ok, then come washcloths...these too are terri cloth and are rolled to fit in smaller basket. They are used to wash body parts...not floors, walls, buckets, mirrors or windows....just body parts. Now we are ready to move away from the washroom to the kitchen. Here it gets a bit more involved...but not that much. The dish cloths are folded in half then in thirds. These are either linen, cotton, or hand crocheted. These need to be changed every day as they tend to sour. Dish clothes are to be used for washing dishes and wiping counters and table tops. Sometimes, if some food or drink substance has spilled on the floor, the dish cloth may be used to clean it...but...if this is done, the cloth should be rinsed immediately afterwards. If the dish cloth was used to wipe up a milk product, then the cloth should be set aside to dry and then be replaced.
The dish towels are folded in exactly the same way as the hand towels but, these are linen or cotten blends and will lie more flat. These are used to dry dishes. In homes such as ours, these tend not be used unless company arrives. For the most part, we tend to let our dishes air dry on the rack. These towels may also be made slightly damp and used to wrap up bread to heat it up in the oven. The bread won't dry out and will come out like it was freshly baked. In the kitchen there are also hand towels. These tend not be be made of terri cloth like their bathroom cousins. Instead, they are usually a cotton-blend. These are used to dry one's hands, usually after one has done the dishes. Please note that under no circumstances should these be used for any other purpose (ie. to wipe up messes) except, on occasion, as an additional pot holder. The tricky part occurs when a dish cloth or a wash cloth starts getting old. When they pass their prime, they move over into the rag pile. These are generally folded in half and then in half again. Rags are used for dusting, washing floors and walls, cleaning the car...pretty much anything except for dishes and bodies. There is, however, a grace period wherein for one week it may be a rag and then for another it may creep back into the dish/wash cloth pile. Please note, however, that there is, ultimately, no turning back. Once a cloth begins to deteriorate, its fate is sealed. The rag is the last step...it may last quite along time like this but, eventually, like all things, it will begin to decay and become nothing more than scraps of landfill.
This wasn't so hard to follow was it? Oh...one other thing. If, when seated for dinner, one of your children knocks over a glass of milk and it begins to cascade over the edge of the table splashing on to the floor below, none of the above rules will apply. Grab anything aborbant and wipe it up...you can always sort out the towel mess later.

Public Spaces

When I returned home from work yesterday, I walked into laundry in piles all over the dining room, the cats pouncing on me as a food source, breakfast dishes piled in sink, no food taken out of the freezer to thaw for dinner, cat piss and shit piled in the litter boxes and...no sign of J. I tried his cell. No response. I tried again. And again. I knew what he was doing. You see I had actually talked to him in the afternoon and he said that he was over at 'Bruce's.' This only meant one thing. He was enjoying a mid summer, mid afternoon piss up. So be it. But, it was getting close to the time to pick up the kids and, there was quite a lot of house work to be done and there was dinner that needed to be created. Back in the pre kids days, dinner could be skipped on any day...not now. So, I left a message on his cell. 'Are you going to pick up the kids?' He responded with a text message ... 'no.' I lost it.

The funny thing about cell phones, pagers and the like is that although they appear to bring people closer and more in touch, they seem to have the opposite effect. When one is separated from another without any technological aids, it is accepted that one will have to wait in order to have contact. With these 'aids' however, waiting is more painful. The one being called can turn off the phone...refuse to answer...create a real or imagined snub. It drives me crazy. If the phone is answered, it is much easier to lie to the person on the other side...trust and truth become warped concepts...

Anyway, I finally got in touch with him. He said he'd meet me at the daycare. I saw him on the road. He was doing his best to walk straight and be friendly. Perhaps I should have been more accepting? I couldn't. I asked him to wait outside. I tried my best to not cry. We finally got home and the bitching began. Thing is, I know I've been bitchy lately. The difference between me and J when he has been drinking is that he is mean. Mean people suck. (I still want that bumper sticker). I made a decision...spend an evening of tension hell with a smelly inebriated man in a small humid apartment or, bugger off. I called his mom and told her that her son was drunk and the kids and I would be coming over for dinner. So, very much like scenes from the movies...I got the kids in the car and we went to 'mother's' (in law).

Now please note that I do not want this to read like a J - slam. I love him. He does stupid and hurtful things at times...but, overall, he tries. He is a great father, compassionate guy and my best friend. This whole scene, however, got me thinking about public and private spaces. I find it funny that in a society/culture where borders and boundaries are (supposedly) being stretched, taboos are broken, and everything 'seems to go' once again, like with cell phones, the opposite seems to be true. Perceived 'freedoms' are ultimately illusions that create distance ... or...am I wrong to think that freedom/equality can't happen unless issues are faced head on? Discussed, examined, shouted and cried and laughed over? Silence is only golden for the status quo.

When I arrived at J's mom's, I provided a brief outline of events to his sister...she nodded with a 'well, he was stupid,' and we both shrugged. His mom brought out beer for the three of us. (can't beat 'em may as well join 'em?) I did my best to ignore the bottle and ended up not drinking it. I just wanted all my wits with me...plus...I didn't want to lose it in front of the kids. There's a whole lot of undertones cruising around at his mom's but, suffice it to say (for now) that we ate, kids had fun, and we all returned home unscathed. J had been crashed on the couch. He woke in time to help tuck the kids into bed. Then we snapped at each other again (I mentioned something along the lines that I would be better off with him gone) and he took off for 'Bruce's.' I spent the evening packing. 'Idle hands make ?????'

Please note that undertones is an understatement but, having a brief acquaintance with other families and a deeper knowledge of my own, the weird dynamics and basic fucked uppedness of families is not something I have the time nor patience to get into here.

Ok, I tried to call J around 11...and then 11:30 ... can't help it...have I mentioned that cell phones drive me crazy? J finally answered...he would be home 'soon.' He actually made it home before midnight and I met him on the front porch (quick side line here...J quit smoking about a week ago...and even through all of this stupidity...he didn't light up...hurray!) J proceeded to tell me that I had pissed him off greatly...by calling his mom...telling her that he was drunk...taking the kids and that if I ever dared do anything like that again, he'd be gone. Just after that, our upstairs neighbour came home...he and J started talking. Interesting, I thought. Both know that I'm here...both know that I'm upset...both are avoiding any dialogue with me at all costs. J even mentioned how I would bring the car home for him the next day so he and the neighbour could go biking?!

Ok...for me this was verrrryyyy interesting. First, that J was most upset, not at my telling him that I was better off without him and other shit to the same e/affect...but...that I had told someone from the outside of our 'sphere.' He even told me that what happened at home should stay at home--maybe if we lived in Vegas but...sheesh. I had 'gone public' with what had happened. Worse yet? I had gone public with his mom. Interesting still was that his mom did her best to avoid the topic. Her only comments were a) in the action of providing a beer; and b) saying 'it was good for you to be here, even though the circumstances that brought you here may not have been' as we were packing up to go. Then there is our neighbour. I realize that there is an unspoken rule out there that people are not to get involved with each other...It's fascinating and scary at the same time. I wonder if he would have spoken up if I had had a bruise forming on my cheek or if blood had been slowly dripping from my nose...as weird as it sounds...to me at least...I doubt that he would have done anything. We watch t.v. and movies and witness violence and sexual innuendo ...so called 'adult situations' yet...the real adult situations are avoided on a daily basis. The private sphere...the adult world remains, for the most part 'untouchable.' We watch through lens after lens...much like an Agoyan film...and are pushed further and further from each other....voyeurs to our own selves.

I told J that I would be writing about this...he is ok with it ... I guess...maybe he's just saying that out of...???? In any case, I am glad that I can write this. (although last night, he went on the computer and stayed on quite late...then turned off the machine so as to not have me write last night...it was good for me to think about things with a bit more time behind me). I wonder if through the writing of this private/public blog in this private/public sphere that perhaps another crack may begin to form in the wall separating the two. Who knows? I'm just glad to get this off my chest.